I'm glad you guys are here tonight.
I don't want to offendanybody tonight. I am.
I'm glad you guysall made it out.
I just read--Did you guys read that thing
on Yahoo this morning?
They had a list, another listof things you can't say anymore
'cause it offends people.
You can't say anything anymore.
You can't say...What was on the list?
"Crazy," 'cause that offends
people who havea mental disorder.
These are all real.These are real.
I don't mean to offend you.
That was the whole pointof every word I've said.
That's most of everything I'veever said to you in my life,
"I don't want to offend you."
You can't say "lame,"
'cause that offends peoplethat have a bad leg.
These are all true.
You can't say "cracker penguin,"
'cause that offendswhite guys that can't fly.
What can you say anymore,you know?
Can't say "douche bag,"'cause that offends
people that playfor the Yankees.
(cheering)I mean, you can't...
That's right! I'll pander!
I like my haircut!
I hang out on Wednesdays!
I waited tablesfor a real long time.
I, uh...
One time, uh, one time,this guy goes,
(British accent):"Tell me aboutyour catch of the day."
And I didn't know what it was,uh, so I just made something up.
I was like,
(dramatic voice):"So there I was...
"middle of the ocean,
"when suddenly,out of the water,
"jumped a mahi-mahithe size of a manatee-manatee.
"He knocked me to the bottomof my small boat.
"I punched him in the face.
"And then he spit a tooth outinto his fin
"and then smiledlike he liked it.
"I knew it was either him or me.
"That's when I noticed a scarunder his eye and realized
"that was the same fish thatkilled my parents 20 years ago.
It comes with rice."
Ah, man, then there'sthe people,
oh, the peopleon the low-carb Atkin diets--
they would order sandwicheswith no bread.
Like bread's their problem.
(laughs)
"Uh, better hold onto that bread.
"I got a bit of a bread bellygoing on right here.
"Oh, yeah, this is fromall the bread I eat.
"Yeah, this is from the 12-packof bread I have every night.
"This big old butt,that's all bread back there.
"And this thing that hangs down,
"I don't know what it is,but it's bread.
"And these chins are bread.
"It's all bread! It's all bread!
It's all bread."
Some of it's cake.