David Spade - Talent Show Injury Pt. 2

David Spade: My Fake Problems Season 1, Ep 101 05/04/2014 Views: 4,686

David Spade explains why he's always wearing puka shell necklaces on late-night talk shows. (2:12)

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I LOSE MY MEMORY FOR A SOLIDHOUR

LIKE, HARDCORE AMNESIA.

AND THEY GET, LIKE, YOU KNOW--BY THE WAY,

WHEN YOU'RE A KID, AND YOU GETHURT IN MY FAMILY,

THERE'S SORT OF AN UNWRITTENRULE, AN UNSPOKEN--

YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

LIKE, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO GET HURT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW IF WE HADINSURANCE--

WE DIDN'T--BUT AROUND OUR HOUSE,

"DON'T GET HURT" POLICY,UNLESS IT'S FROM THE PARENTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BECAUSE THERE WASSORT OF A, "YOU'RE FINE,"

YOU KNOW, SITUATION.

LIKE, ANYTHING--"YOU'RE FINE."

I GO, "MY SIDE FEELS LIKE A--""YOU'RE FINE."

I GO, "OH.BUT THE BONE IS STICKING OUT."

"YOU'RE FINE.A LITTLE BACTINE."

[hissing]

BACTINE WAS LITERALLY AIR.

AND THE PARENTS ARE LIKE,"PHEW, WE TOOK CARE OF THAT."

I'M LIKE,

"STILL A LITTLE PAINFUL'CAUSE OF THE BONE."

SO I KNEW THAT.

SO I'M LIKE, GOING OUT, GOING,"OH, NO.

I'M--THIS IS UNCOOL."

AND THEN THEY BROUGHTMY MOM BACK

AND A DOCTOR FROM THE HOUSE,

AND THE DOCTOR GOES,"HE'S A BIT SHOOK UP."

AND I GO,"IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?

"ARE YOU FROM GUNSMOKE? YOU'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

"THIS ISN'T A TERM.

"I HAVE A CATEGORY 200CONCUSSION.

I HAVE AMNESIA, DUDE.ALL RIGHT?"

IF I WAS IN THE NFL RIGHT NOW,

THEY WOULD STOP THE GAMEAND CHOPPER ME OUT OF THERE.

THEY WOULD LITERALLY BE ALL--THE OTHER--

THEY'RE ON THEIR KNEES,LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW,

THE WHOLE TEAM,AND THEN

EVEN THE OTHER TEAM IS, LIKE,FAKING IT,

LIKE, "OH, MAN,ARE YOU OKAY?"

LIKE, "WHO CARES?I'M GONNA REST."

[breathing heavily]

SO THE DOCTOR'S LIKE,"OH, HE'S A BIT RATTLED.

YEAH, HE GOT HIS BELL RUNG."

THESE AREN'T THINGS,ALL RIGHT?

THESE AREN'T MEDICAL TERMS.

AND THEN HE GOES,"YOU'D BETTER TAKE HIM

RIGHT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM."

MY MOM'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.OF COURSE."

SO SHE GOES, "DAVEY, DO YOUWANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL

OR PIZZA HUT?"

OH, MY GOD.

PIZZA HUT.THEY HAD ASTEROIDS.

NEVER WENT TO THE HOSPITAL.

NEVER GOT LOOKED AT.

JAW...[squeaks]

AND THEN, IF YOU EVER SEE MEON, LIKE, LETTERMAN,

AND I GOTA PUKA SHELL NECKLACE,

IT'S ALL PERCOCET.I'M LIKE...

[gnawing]