True story. Um.When I was younger,
Larry would give me moneyall the time.
He actually gave all the kidsin the neighborhood money.
Yeah, he wasa pedophilanthropist.
You have to know whattwo words are to get that joke.
Chances are,you probably know the worst one.
For this next joke,I have step-parents.
I don't liketo call my stepdad my stepdad.
I like to call himmy faux pa.
My grandpa has Alzheimer's,
so I bought him a memory foampillow for his birthday.
It remembers betterthan he does.
It remembers my birthday.
Have you ever gotteninto a pillow fight
with a memory foam pillow?
That's one pillow fightyou'll never forget.
Do you guys liketo text message?
(crowd whoops, murmurs)
I don't like to text,
but I will occasionallycall my friend,
say four words,then hang up.
Sometimes he'll call back,say "LOL," and then hang up.
Sometimes he tells methat he's smiling.
For some reason.