Patton Oswalt - War

  • Season 2 , Ep 12
  • 09/03/1999
  • Views: 6,098

We're at war, apparently. (1:46)

WE'RE AT WAR, RIGHT?

I-I'M ONLY... I'M ONLY SAYING"WE'RE AT WAR"

BECAUSE I TURNED ON CNNLAST WEEK

AND THERE WASA GREEN CITY ON TV.

WHENEVER YOU TURN ON CNNAND THERE'S A GREEN CITY

WITH WHITE DOTS OVER IT

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, OH,I GUESS WE NEED OIL.

"HEY, HONEY, WE SHOULD GOFILL THE CAR UP.

THE OIL PRICES..."

AS I SPEAK TO MY WIFEWHO DOESN'T EXIST.

"HONEY, WE SHOULD GO GET..."

THE... MY PHANTOM WIFE.

UM...

THESE WAR REPORTERS, TOO,FOR CNN

THEY TRY TO MAKE OUTLIKE THEY'RE STILL

THAT WHOLE EDWARD MURROW:

"I'M IN LONDONWHILE THEY'RE BOMBING US."

OR "I'M IN THE JUNGLESOF VIETNAM."

THESE GUYS ARE IN A DAYS INN

MILES AWAY FROM THE SHELLING

STILL TRYING TO COME ON LIKETHEY'RE KING SWAGGERCOCK.

"YEAH, I'M IN THE MIDDLEOF THE WAR-- LOOK OUT."

AND THESE GUYS TRYTO PLAY IT UP, LIKE:

YES, WE'RE IN THE DAYS INN.

THE SHELLING HAS STARTED.

WE'VE LOST SPECTRAVISION,BERNIE, WE HAVE... UH...

I'M NOT... I DON'T KNOWHOW BLA ENDS.

WESLEY WAS FIGHTINGTHE VAMPIRES

AND HE LOOKED LIKE HE WASDOING WELL, BUT WHO KNOWS?

IT'S JUST...IT'S PURE HELL, BERNIE.

IT IS PURE... BLACK IS WHITE,WHITE IS BLACK. IT'S CHAOS.

I ORDERED A SANDWICH.

I SPECIFICALLY SAID,"NO MAYONNAISE."

THE SANDWICH CAME SLATHERED,BERNIE

"SLATHERED" IS THE ONLY WORDI CAN USE

FOR THE AMOUNT OF MAYONNAISE...

WE... WE SENT IT BACK.

WE'RE PRAYING THAT--

PLEASE KEEP US IN YOUR PRAYERS--

THAT THE SANDWICH WILL COME BACKWITH NO MAYONNAISE.

MUSTARD ON THE SIDE, I KNOWIS WAY TOO MUCH TO HOPE FOR

BUT JUST THE "NO MAYONNAISE"WOULD GIVE ME

SOME SEMBLANCE OF SANITY.

BERNIE, THE SANDWICHES ARE HERE.

THEY'RE WHEELINGTHE SANDWICHES IN.

WE'RE GOING TO LOOK.

THERE'S NO MAYONNAISEON MY SANDWICH, BERNIE.

THERE IS NO MAYONNAISE.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

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