Judah Friedlander - Eating Napkins

Mirman, Friedlander, O'Neal, Kilmartin Season 5, Ep 501 11/23/2001 Views: 11,631

Judah once saw a homeless man who was eating napkins. (3:11)

ALWAYS SEE CRAZY THINGS HERE

NO MATTER WHEREVER YOU GO.

AH, ONE TIME A SAW A HOMELESS

GUY EATING NAPKINS.

I'M GONNA SAY THAT AGAIN.

HE WAS EATING NAPKINS.

AND I FELT BAD FOR HIM.

AND I'M A GIVING GUY.

SO I GIVE HIM A SLICE OF PIZZA.

AND HE WAS TOUCHED.

HE LOOKED UP AT ME.

HE GOT A TEAR IN HIS EYE

AND HE SAID, "THANK YOU."

AND THEN HE WHIPPED HIS MOUTH

WITH THE PIZZA AND WENT BACK

TO EATING ALL THE NAPKINS.

(LAUGHTER)

SO...

ARE THERE ANY COLLEGE PEOPLE

HERE TONIGHT?

OH, YEAH!

OH, YEAH.

I ONLY APPLIED TO TWO SCHOOLS.

JUST TWO.

THAT'S IT.

I APPLIED TO HARVARD AND DEVRY.

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HAVE A BACKUP

SCHOOL, EVERYBODY.

SO I WENT TO DEVRY 'CAUSE, AH...

(LAUGHTER)

SOMEHOW...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

THAT HARVARD APPLICATION MUST

HAVE GOTTEN LOST IN THE MAIL

OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I WAS ACTUALLY AT DEVRY ON A

FULL SCHOLARSHIP.

I, AH--

I WAS ON THE DEVRY FOOTBALL

TEAM.

WE WERE DIVISION 84.

WE, AH--

WE PLAYED SOME CANADIAN

JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOLS.

AND MY SENIOR YEAR WE CAME IN

90th PLACE.

SO...

I'M PROUD OF MY LEGACY.

'CAUSE I WAS QUARTERBACK

AND WIDE RECEIVER.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT'S A LOT OF WORK.

YOU EVER GET AN OBSCENE PHONE

CALL?

HAS ANYONE EVER GOTTEN

ONE OF THOSE?

YEAH?

THOSE ARE ANNOYING; AREN'T THEY?

YESTERDAY I GOT SIX OF 'EM.

SIX OBSCENE PHONE CALLS.

I'M SITTING AT HOME MINDING

MY BUSINESS.

THE PHONE RINGS.

I PICK IT UP.

AND ALL I HEAR IS...

(IMITATING LOUD HEAVY BREATHING)

I'M LIKE...

[CLICK]

SCREW THAT.

AND THEN A MINUTE LATER IT RINGS

AGAIN.

IT'S LIKE...

(IMITATING LOUD HEAVY BREATHING)

AND I'M LIKE...

[CLICK]

IT'S LIKE, CAN'T THEY THINK OF

ANYTHING BETTER?

AND THEN TODAY I FOUND OUT THAT

MY FRIEND GARY DIED OF

AN ASTHMA ATTACK.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

I WAS LIKE, OH!

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

HE WAS JUST OVER MY HOUSE

THE OTHER DAY.

AND HE LEFT HIS INHALER.

I, AH--

I WAS GONNA GIVE HIM A RING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY DIDN'T TRY

TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME.

I MEAN...

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ASTHMA

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE SHY.

I MEAN...

I HAVE ASTHMA.

I CALL PEOPLE.

SO...

THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

SO...

WHEN I TURNED 20 YEARS OLD--

20 IS A BIG AGE--

ISN'T IT, EVERYBODY?

20 IS A BIG AGE.

WHEN I TURNED 20 YEARS OLD--

THIS IS PRETTY MESSED UP--

MY PARENTS SAT ME DOWN AND THEY

TOLD ME THAT I WAS ADOPTED.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

THEY WAITED UNTIL I WAS 20

TO TELL ME I WAS ADOPTED.

AND THEN LAST CHRISTMAS

THEY TOLD ME THEY WERE KIDDING.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU MEAN I JUST SPENT THE LAST

10 YEARS TRYING TO FIND OUT

WHO MY PARENTS REAL ARE?

AND NOW I FIND OUT THAT IT'S

YOU JERKS.

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)