Ralphie May - Date Night

Season 1 , Ep 101 Views: 13,011

Men and women are looking for drastically different things on date night. (1:53)

>> I KNOW TONIGHT'S A DATE NIGHT

FOR A LOT OF Y'ALL.

A LOT OF Y'ALL--YOU KNOW,

SOME OF YOU DROVE IN

FROM HOURS--HOURS AWAY,

YOU KNOW,

AND IT'S A DATE NIGHT.

ON DATE NIGHTS, YOU GOT

TO TAKE HER OUT TO EAT.

AND THAT'S EXPENSIVE,

AND TIMES ARE TOUGH,

AND SO YOU'RE TRYING

TO GET OFF ON THE CHEAP,

LIKE ALL YOU WANT

IS A CHEESEBURGER,

AND SHE WANTS A STEAK

AND--AND, UH...

SHE'S LIKE, UH, UH,

"I WANT A STEAK."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?

[sighs]

HEARD THEY HAVE STEAK DOWN

AT THE GOLDEN CORRAL BUFFET."

AND SHE'S LIKE,

"YEAH, I HEARD THEY HAD IT

AT THE CAPITOL GRILL TOO."

DAMN IT!

DAMN IT.

YOU GO TO THAT CAPITOL GRILL,

AND THE CHEAPEST CUT

OF MEAT IS $52.

YOU'RE LIKE, "$52?

WHAT KIND OF MEAT IS THAT,

DRAGON?

THE POTATO DON'T COME WITH IT?

HOW MUCH IS THE--

$17?

WHO THE HELL PICKED

THAT POTATO, WHITE PEOPLE?

YOU GO BACK AND GET ME

A MEXICAN POTATO.

I AIN'T TOO PROUD."

[cheers and applause]

THEN YOU COME TO THE SHOW

AND YOU DROP, YOU KNOW,

$60, $70 IN TICKETS.

AND FIRST THING SHE DOES

WHEN SHE GETS IN THE DOOR

IS GO GET A $12 DRINK,

AND YOU'RE MAD AS HELL.

YOU'RE LIKE, "BITCH,

YOU BETTER EAT THAT ICE."

"PUT THAT CUP IN

YOUR POCKETBOOK.

WE'RE TAKING THAT CUP WITH US.

$12, I BOUGHT THAT CUP, BITCH.

I BOUGHT THAT CUP.

YOU'RE GOING TO WASH THAT CUP.

WE'RE GOING TO RE-USE

THAT DISPOSABLE CUP.

THAT CUP'S COMING HOME WITH US."

YOU, UH, YOU GO

THROUGH ALL THIS,

AND AT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

ALL YOU REALLY WANT, GUYS,

IS TO GO HOME, YOU KNOW,

JUST RELAX, YOU KNOW,

GET A GOOD HUMMER, YOU KNOW.

MAYBE PUT HER LEGS UP

AND, UH...

MAYBE GET A WAFFLE

IN THE MORNING.

THAT'S--THAT'S

PRETTY SIMPLE, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW,

LIFE IS EASY, ISN'T IT?

IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

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