Roast Battle II: Denver & Atlanta Regionals - Noah Gardenswartz vs. Clayton English - Uncensored

Roast Battle II: Denver & Atlanta Regionals Season 2, Ep 2 01/08/2017 Views: 4,279

Noah Gardenswartz may look like the default-setting player in a video game, but he knows why his opponent Clayton's last name is English. (4:37)

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Noah! Clayton!Let's roast.

[bell dings]

- Clayton's last nameis English,

which is appropriate,because his teeth are fucked up

and his comedy's overrated.


- Oh, you big-faced bastard.

When I first met Noah,he had gold teeth.

He had a pit bull.

He was drinking a double cupof Manischewitz.

I thought he was Paul Wallat first,

but now he done turnedinto the dude

that directed "Annie Hall."

What the fuck happened, man?

You are not the same dudeI used to know.

Now you look likegentrification personified.

Get your ass out of here.

With a wave of the hand,

that abandoned buildingis a Starbucks.

- That's true.I did have a gold teeth.

I was the Paul Wallto your Mike Jones,

'cause I had gold teeth,and when we said your name,

people said, "Who?"

[laughter and cheers]

- Wait a minute.Wait a minute.

Noah, you dressed likeGarfield's owner right now.

You look likea create-a-character

on a video game

before you pick any settings.

You are the default playerof the video game.

You look like they gota "30 for 30" about you

as an Eastern Europeanbasketball player.

- Last joke!- It was a great "30 for 30."

- Oh, I wasn't sure.Okay, last joke?


See? I got thatEastern European coordination.

We're good.

Every black man in Americashould just tell the cops

they're a Clayton Englishcomedy special

to make surethey'll never get shot.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh.

- All yours, bro.- Noah.

Noah used to performat black clubs a lot.

But back then,he had a different name,

'cause a lot of peopledon't know

he majored in African-Americanstudies at school.

His name was Shecky Shabazz,and he even had a catchphrase.

It was "Shecky, Shecky,quack, quack."

[bell rings]

- Wow.- [laughs]

That's it, everybody.

- A shucky-ducky closer.- Yep.

- Nobody's laughing,

'cause nobody knowsthe reference.

- Only thoseus three got it.

- Clayton, the irony is,you're wearing a Cosby sweater,

but it's your jokesthat put me to sleep.

crowd: Oh!

- Oh!- Whoo!

- Oh, man.

- Jeff Ross,the fetus face.

You like one ofthem Kewpie babies.


Get your little greasy assout here.

- Hey, why didn't you do thatwhen you were battling?

- Let's vote.

- Okay, would somebody getthis fly out of here?

- You look like the girloff "Stranger Things."


He gonna get pissed off.

His nosegonna start bleeding,

and all the lightsgonna start levitating.


- Noah, I thought you wereso fucking funny.

I thought the joke-writing edgewent to you.

But I actually thoughtit was even.

I was gonna say tie, and then--What's your last name, Noah?

- Gardenswartz.- Oh, I like you.

- Oh!- No, I thought it was a tie.

- As far as I'm concerned,

Gardenswartz beatthe other schwartz.

- More mildly racist humor.

Let's do it in the room.

I see wherethis Trump presidency

has taken our country.

- Uh, you want to doone more joke before you vote?

[cheers and applause]

- Let's do it!

- One more joke for Noah,half a joke for Clayton.

- Half a joke.

You sure not 3/5of a joke?

Can I get 3/5of a joke?

- Clayton, stop!Clayton, stop!

- Please, Mr. Ross?- Clayton, stop.

Let's roast!- Okay.

Oh, man, what--I don't even--

[people groan]

It's really a wrap, man.

I don't know what elseto say about you.

You got a Velcro beard.

You got a very fast face.

Your face looks likeyou should be very swift.

But you're not.

You got the haircutof a 14-year-old boy.

- Noah, finish your buddy off.Finish him off.

- Making fun of my beard?

Your beard looks likewhat happens

when ISIS recruitsat the unemployment office.

[exclamations and laughter]

- Oh![applause]

- Awesome.[bell dinging]

Awesome.- Whoo!

- Fun ending.

But, Noah, I think you got thisfair and square.


- Noah Gardenswartz!

Hug each other!

That was awesome.

[cheers and applause]

- It was good. - It went well.

I thought he was funny.

I hope he thoughtI was funny.

We had a good time.- It was all right.

No, just playing.- I was about to say.

Maybe he was insulted.- No, yeah, I am.

But it's all right.

I'm gonna go homeand count my money.