Andy Haynes - Public Transportation

Andy Haynes Season 2, Ep 13 06/14/2013 Views: 13,320

Although Andy Haynes cares about homeless people, he does not particularly like them. (2:46)

One thing I don't likeabout being broke

is I don't likepublic transportation.

I... I don't like it.I don't like it.

You know why?

They let the publicon that thing.

And that means everybody.

That means all sorts of people,

and I mainly meanhomeless people.

That's what I'm talking about.

And I hear you guys tighten up

'cause you're all liberal votersand you went to Whole Foods

and you recycle your bagsor whatever.

We don't like homeless people,all right?

We care about them, we feel badfor them, but we're never...

We don't like them.

We're never excitedto see a homeless person.

Like, "Oh, Boots is here to makethe room smell different.

"Get in here, buddy.

I got some cansI've been saving."

And it's not justthat they're homeless,

it's that they're, like,super homeless, you know?

They're, like,time traveler homeless.

You're like, "How do you haveclothes made out of hair

"and bark, sir?

"And why are you on the subway?

"Like, I should be on thesubway-- I'm going to work.

"You should be one of thosecrank carts from a Looney Tunes.

Stack of squirrels helping youon an adventure."

I told all my friendsin New York

that I was gonna move to L.A.--I used to live in New York

and move-moved to L.A.And I told them all,

and they were like, "Andy,you don't want to move to L.A.

If you move to L.A.,you'll have to drive."

I was like, "Yeah. (chuckles)I love driving.

Driving is great."

Like, and I'm an environmentallyconscious person,

but after four yearson the New York subway,

I would drive a Hummer

powered on Native Americantears, all right?

I mean that. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everybody.

I don't care. I love driving.

Driving's great.

You go exactlywhere you want to go.

You're like, "Hey, over there,"and you go there.

You get to listen to exactlywhat you want to listen to

and not what the mostintimidating teenager is playing

on his cell phone.

And I really like how I've neveropened up my car door

and there's just been a guy thatshit his pants and it was like,

"Guess we're going uptowntogether. That's weird.

I paid a fee to get in thiswith you and now..."

That's counterintuitive.

I want to make, uh, like,a new kind of subway,

bus, whatever.

I want classes.

Like an airplane, you know?You know? Everybody?

(light applause)Here's what it's gonna be.

You're gonna have first class--it'll be really nice, right?

Velvet, whatever.

It'll be nice. I don't knowwhat nice things are, but...

imagine a nice thingand that's it.

And then there'll be

middle class,and that'll just be normal

but it'll be clean, okay?

And then there'll bethe lowest class,

and that'll be called"Anything Goes."

And you get on thatand they hand you a hammer

and a Four Lokoand the lights go out.

And that is free to ride.

That is a free ride.

So vote for me.