Lisa Lampanelli - Fat Ex-Husband

  • Season 8 , Ep 0804
  • 03/03/2005
  • Views: 33,747

Lisa was married once. (1:54)

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS

DATIN' AT MY AGE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS

TO FIND THE RIGHT MAN?

I STARTED DATING.

I MET MORE LOSERS THAN CRIPPLE

NIGHT AT KARAOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT MY MOTHER'S LIKE TYPICAL

ITALIAN.

SHE WANTED ME TO GET MARRIED

RIGHT AWAY.

BECAUSE I AM DIVORCED, YOU KNOW.

AND I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING.

MY EXERCISE HUSBAND WAS

375 POUNDS.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.

I'M NOT LYING.

LET ME ILLUSTRATE THAT FOR YOU'S

PEOPLE THAT DON'T GO TO THE

CIRCUS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR GUY'S

UNDERWEAR SAYS BVD?

[LAUGHTER]

HIS SAID BOULEVARD.

[LAUGHTER]

HE WAS SO FAT HE USED TWINKIES

FOR SUPPOSITORIES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT LET ME TELL YOU, WITH A

BIG GUY IT'S GOOD.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHEN THEY'RE

READY FOR SEX, 'CAUSE NAKED HE

LOOKED LIKE ONE OF THEM

BUTTERBALL TURKEYS WITH THE

LITTLE POP UP TIMER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE THING ABOUT THESE BIG

ITALIAN GUYS, YOU KNOW HOW WE

GOT A PIECE OF ASS LIKE ME?

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE NOW THAT THE SOPRANOS

IS ON, ALL THESE BIG ITALIANS

LIKE THE LION SAY THEY WERE IN

THE MOB.

HE COMES UP TO ME, AND HE GOES,

"HEY, IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING,

DON'T WORRY.

I'M CONNECTED."

I'M LIKE YEA, YOU'RE CONNECTED

TO A FORK, YOU FAT BASTARD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, MY MOTHER LOVED HIM.

SHE THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE WHO

GOT AWAY.

SO NOW EVERY TIME ME AND MY

MOTHER GO TO A WEDDING,

SHE CAN'T WAIT FOR ME TO GET

MARRIED AGAIN.

EVERY TIME WE GO TO A WEDDING,

SHE COMES UP TO ME SHE GOES,

NEXT TIME MAYBE YOU.

NEXT TIME MAYBE YOU.

SO I NOW TAKE HER TO ALL THE

FUNERALS I CAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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