Shakes on a Plain & Secret Agent Can

April 23, 2015 - Neil deGrasse Tyson 04/23/2015 Views: 58,220

Oklahoma suffers a bizarre surge in earthquakes following a rise in fracking, and the NSA gets an unlikely new mascot. (8:55)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW FOR YOUTONIGHT.

MY GUEST TONIGHT,ASTROPHYSICIST.

ASTROPHYSICIST.

NOT SOME REGULAR BULL ( BLEEP )PHYSICIST.

ASTROPHYSICIST.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON IS GOING TOBE JOINING US.

AND HE WILL EXPLAIN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )HE WILL EXPLAIN IN GREAT DETAIL

WHY 99 TIMES OUT OF 100 SUPERMANWOULD KICK THE LIVING ( BLEEP )

OUT OF BATMAN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )SUPERMAN-- HE CAN FLY.

HE'S INVINCIBLE.

BUT FIRST, I HOPE EVERYBODY'SRECOVERED FROM THEIR EARTH DAY

HANGOVERS AND CLEANED THE VOMITAND GOOD INTENTIONS OFF THEIR

JEANS.

( LAUGHTER )EARTH DAY.

EARTH DAY BY FAR THE MOSTPOPULAR OF THE PLANETARY

BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS.

( LAUGHTER )AGAIN, MY APOLOGIES TO URANUS.

( LAUGHTER )WE--

( LAUGHTER )PROBABLY PRONOUNCING THAT

WRONG, BUT WE CERTAINLY DID NOTMEAN TO FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY

LAST YEAR.

I HOPE THIS CARD FINDS YOU WELL.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS ) OF COURSE, THOUGH, NO MATTER

HOW MUCH WE KISS ITS ASS, THEEARTH CONTINUES TO ACT OUT.

>> GEOLOGISTS IN OKLAHOMA SAY

RECENT SMALL EARTHQUAKES IN THATSTATE ARE VERY LIKELY TRIGGERED

BY THE UNDERGROUND DISPOSAL OFWASTED WATER FROM OIL AND GAS

WELLS.

>> THAT STATE SHOOK BY NEARLY600 QUAKES LAST YEAR, MORE THAN

ANY OTHER STATE IN THE COUNTRY.

>> UNTIL 2008 THE STATE AVERAGEDONE TO TWO QUAKES MAGNITUDE

THREE OR GREATER PER YEAR.

IN 2015, IT'S AVERAGED TWO PERDAY.

>> Jon: HMMM...

♪ OAK-LA HOMA, WHERE THE GROUNDSTARTS SHAKING TWICE A DAY ♪♪

♪ OAK-LA HOMA, WHERE THE GROUNDSTARTS SHAKING TWICE A DAY ♪♪

THEATER!

JEEZ, I WONDER IF THERE'S ACONNECTION BETWEEN THE UPTICK IN

INDUSTRIAL-SCALE DRILLING ANDINJECTING OF HIGH-PRESSURE FLUID

DEEP INTO THE EARTH FRACTURINGITS SHALE ROCK AND SIPHONING OUT

THE NATURAL GAS TO THE SURGE IN ( BLEEP ) FALLING OFF

OKLAHOMANS' SHELVES IN THEMIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

GOVERNOR.

>> WE HAVE HAD A LONG HISTORY INTHE STATE OF OKLAHOMA OF

EARTHQUAKES.

WE HAVE PEOPLE LOOKING AT WHATARE THE CAUSE OF THE

EARTHQUAKES?

ARE THEY MANMADE OR ARE THEYJUST A NATURAL COURSE OF NATURE

ITSELF?

>> Jon: IS IT, AS COMMON SENSEMIGHT SUGGEST, THE SEEMINGLY

OBVIOUS CONNECTION TO FRACKINGOR IS THE LORD USING OUR GREAT

STATE AS A SHAKE WEIGHT? WHOREALLY KNOWS WHAT'S --

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.

( LAUGHTER )WELL, GOOD NEWS, OKLAHOMA.

>> THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA SAID ITHAD ACCEPTED SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE

THAT FRACKING HAD CAUSEDHUNDREDS OF EARTHQUAKES THERE.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY, COULD YOUPLAY THE FIRST PART OF THAT

AGAIN?

>> THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA SAID ITHAD ACCEPTED SCIENTIFIC

EVIDENCE.

>> Jon: YOU'VE ACCEPTEDSCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE?

( LAUGHTER )WELL, SHOVE A DRILL UP MY ASS

AND PUMP ME FULL OF HIGHPRESSURE FRACKING LIQUID!

CAUSE THAT RIGHT THERE IS THEREAL EARTHQUAKE!

THAT IS THE REAL EARTHQUAKE!

ALSO, DO THAT BECAUSE I AMFILLED WITH NATURAL GAS.

( LAUGHTER )OKLAHOMA ADMITTING YOU HAVE A

PROBLEM IS THE FIRST STEP.

NOW THE STATE GOVERNMENT CANFINALLY STEP IN AND DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THESE OIL AND GAS FRACKINGWASTEWATER DISPOSAL WELLS.

>> ONE DAY AFTER THE OKLAHOMAGEOLOGICAL SURVEY REPORTS IT IS

VERY LIKELY THAT OIL AND GASWASTEWATER DISPOSAL WELLS

TRIGGERED THE RECENTEARTHQUAKES, HOUSE LAWMAKERS

APPROVE A BILL THAT KEEPS CITIESAND TOWNS FROM REGULATING OIL

AND NATURAL GAS DRILLINGOPERATIONS.

>> Jon: HM.

( LAUGHTER )WHAT THE ( BLEEP ), OKLAHOMA.

I MEAN, THAT'S JUST-- THAT'SJUST.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THAT'S JUST STUPID.

YOU FINALLY ADMIT THAT FRACKINGHAS TURNED YOUR STATE INTO

ONE GIANT BROOKSTONE MASSAGECHAIR AND YOUR FIRST RESPONSE IS

TO ENSURE NO ONE CAN EVER STOPIT, WHY?

>> WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW IS THECHEAPEST WAY TO DO IT AND IT

WORKS WELL EXCEPT FOR THEEARTHQUAKES AND THE

CONTAMINATION OF GROUNDWATER.

( LAUGHTER )>> Jon: YES.

YES.

OTHER THAN THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW DID YOU ENJOY THE

PLAY?

BUT WHILE SOME STATES MAY BETURNING THEIR BACK ON MOTHER

NATURE, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENTIS GETTING INTO GREEN GAME IN A

WEIRD WAY.

>> HI, I'M DUNK, AND I'M THENATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY'S

RECYCLING MASCOT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: DEAR GOD,SPONGEBOB, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE

TO YOU?

( LAUGHTER )NOW, I HAVE MANY, MANY QUESTIONS

ABOUT THIS N.S.A. VIDEO.

FIRST OFF, HOW IS THE GOVERNMENTAGENCY WITH THE MOST

SOPHISTICATED COMPUTERTECHNOLOGY IN THE WORLD NOT

CAPABLE OF PRODUCING COMPUTERGRAPHICS AT A HIGHER LEVEL THAN

A 1980s DIRE STRAITS VIDEO?

FOR GOD'S SAKE.

LOOK AT THIS MASCOT.

IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY FROM THEBLUE MAN GROUP ( BLEEP ) A TRASH

CAN!

IT'S THE WORST!

( LAUGHTER )BUT, OF COURSE, DUNK'S UNHOLY

BIRTH RAISES ANOTHER QUESTION.

WHAT DOES THE N.S.A. HAVE TO DOWITH RECYCLING ANYWAY?

>> N.S.A. HAS BEEN GOING GREENFOR OVER 25 YEARS.

IMPLEMENTING COUNTLESSINITIATIVES TO BE

ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY.

NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELFWHY DO WE NEED TO KEEP OUR STUFF

OUT OF LANDFILLS?

>> Jon: DUNK?

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ASKINGMYSELF?

( LAUGHTER )YOU REALLY DO WORK FOR THE

N.S.A.

( LAUGHTER )SO WE'VE ESTABLISHED YOU'RE A

MONSTROSITY BORN OF THE LOVEBETWEEN SOMEONE WHO IS IN THE

BLUE MAN GROUP AND A WASTECONTAINER?

AND THAT YOU CAN READ MYTHOUGHTS AND THAT YOUR

HORRIBLE MUTANT BOX MONSTER.

TWO REASONS TO FEAR AND OBEYYOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

>> WE'RE CHALLENGING YOU TOCONDUCT A WASTE AUDIT AT YOUR

SCHOOL.

YOU'RE GOING TO DIG THROUGH ALLTHE TRASH IN YOUR SCHOOL AND

THEN YOU'RE GOING TO ANALYZE IT.

>> Jon: HEY, KIDS, DOES ANYOF THAT TRASH HAVE PHONE NUMBERS

OR COMPUTER PASSWORDS ON IT?

DOES ANY OF THE PAPER THROWNAWAY LOOK SHREDDED?

IF SO, YOUR LITTLE FINGERSARE JUST THE RIGHT SIZE TO TRY

TO PUT THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER.

THINK OF IT AS A JIGSAW PUZZLETHAT INCRIMINATES YOUR TEACHERS.

>> YOU'LL NEED IDENTIFY THETYPES OF TRASH MAKING UP THE

WASTE STREAM OF YOUR SCHOOL ANDTHE AMOUNT OF EACH TYPE OF TRASH

BY WEIGHT AND VOLUME.

THEN YOU'LL USE MATH.

>> Jon: HOLD THE PHONE!

YOU'RE TELLING ME FIRST THE KIDSGET TO GO THROUGH A BUNCH OF

GARBAGE, AND THEN FOR DESSERT,THEY GET TO USE MATH!

DUNK.

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

LOOK HERE, DUNK!

( LAUGHTER )OUR KIDS GET PLENTY OF LESSONS

ON RECYCLING FROM EVERYWHEREELSE IN THE WORLD.

YOU WANT TO EDUCATE THEM, TELLTHEM N.S.A. IS REALLY UP TO.

>> HEY, JON, IT'S ME, DUNK!

>> Jon: DUNK?

>> I HEARD WHAT YOU WERE SAYINGABOUT ME.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: HOW?

>> I WAS WATCHING THE SHOW!

>> Jon: DUNK, WE TAPE AT6:00.

WE'RE DOING THIS AT 6:00.

THE SHOW HASN'T EVEN AIRED YET.

>> RIGHT, NOT PUBLICLY.

ANY-HOO!

YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE WE'RE ASPY AGENCY DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T

CARE ABOUT THE PLANET?

>> Jon: SURE NO, I GUESS ISHOULDN'T BE SO CYNICAL.

THAT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,SOMETIMES, STORIES COME OUT

ABOUT CERTAIN AGENCIES THAT MAKE

IT SEEM LIKE THEY CAN'T BETRUSTED OR THEY'RE OUT TO HURT

US, RATHER THAN HELP US, WHENREALLY IN A LOT OF WAYS, WHAT--

DUNK WHAT, ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> AH, NOTHING, NOTHING.

>> Jon: ARE YOU SCANNINGME?

>> NO, NO! TARGET HAS BEENAQUIRED.

THE JEW IS IN THE BAGEL.

I REPEAT, THE JEW IS IN THEBAGEL!

>> Jon: WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.