Chris D'Elia - That's So Random

Chris D'Elia: White Male. Black Comic. Season 1, Ep 101 11/20/2013 Views: 27,898

Nothing bothers Chris D'Elia more than a woman who uses words without caring about their meanings. (2:11)

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GIRLS LIKE TO USE WORDS --SOMETIMES THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT THE HELLTHEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

LIKE, THE WORDS THAT THEY USE,

THEY'RENOT EVEN IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

GIRLS PICK WORDS THAT THEY LIKEAND THEN JUST RUN WITH IT.

GIRLS ARE ON SOME NEW THING

WHERE THEY'RE CALLING EVERYTHINGRANDOM.

GIRLS WILL SAY SOMETHING'SRANDOM, IT'S NOT EVEN RANDOM.

A GIRL WILL BE LIKE, "OH,MY GOD, YOU'RE WEARING A JACKET.

THAT'S SO RANDOM."

IT'S NOT RANDOM. IT'S WINTER.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, YOU KNOWWHAT WOULD BE RANDOM?

IF IT WASN'T WINTER,I WAS STILL WEARING A JACKET,

AND THEN I ATE A MONKEY.

THAT WOULD BE RANDOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAD A GIRL TELL METHE OTHER DAY THIS.

SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU TEXT ME AT THE MOST RANDOMTIMES IN THE DAY."

I WAS LIKE, "REALLY?WHEN ARE THOSE TIMES?

LIKE, WHEN ARE RANDOM TIMESTHAT HAPPEN DURING THE DAY?"

SHE WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S JUST RANDOMWHENEVER YOU TEXT ME, GOD."

I WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, BUT TELL MEWHEN THOSE RANDOM TIMES ARE

SO I CAN TEXT YOUTHE OTHER TIMES, YEAH?"

THIS IS WHAT SHE HIT ME WITH.SHE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW.

"WHATEVER'S RANDOM TO ONE PERSON

ISN'T NECESSARILY RANDOMTO THE NEXT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, YO, YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE UPA SAYING LIKE YOU'RE YODA,

AND THENTHE CONVERSATION'S OVER.

YOU GOT TO MEAN SOMETHINGWHEN YOU TALK,

AND DON'T TWEETA PICTURE OF A SALAD.

THAT'S THE MAIN POINTI'M TRYING TO GET AT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GIRLS DO JUST USE WORDS.SOMETIMES THEY USE PHRASES.

THEY DON'T EVEN THINKABOUT WHAT THEY MEAN.

HERE'S SOMETHING COMMONA GIRL WOULD SAY

WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO HAVE SEXWITH HER.

THIS IS SOMETHINGA GIRL SAYS OFTEN

WHEN YOU'RE TRYINGTO GET HER INTO BED.

SHE'LL GO LIKE THIS.

"UM, HELLO,YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS."

[ LAUGHS ]

"UH, EXCUSE ME.YOU THINK YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS?

NO, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS."

[ Normal voice ] YO, I CAN!

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?IT'S JUST SEX.

I'VE HAD IT SIX TIMES BEFORE.I KNOW HOW IT GOES DOWN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

YO, I GO INSIDE YOU.4 1/2 MINUTES, IT'S OVER.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, MAN.

YEAH, I END UP FEELING GOOD.YOU FEEL KIND OF OKAY.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, MAN.

WHAT DO YOU MEANI CAN'T HANDLE IT?

YOU'RE ACTING LIKEWHEN I SLIP INSIDE YOU,

THE S.W.A.T. TEAM IS GONNA BURSTTHROUGH THE DOOR

AND ARREST MY ASS.

I COULDN'T HANDLE THAT.

GUESS WHAT?THAT WOULD BE RANDOM.