Jeff Dunham - Melvin the Superhero

  • Season 7, Ep 22
  • 07/17/2003
  • Views: 39,770

Melvin the Superhero can fly. Where? Down to the ground. (3:55)

EVER BEEN A BETTER TIME IN OUR

COUNTRY THAN RIGHT NOW WHEN

WE HAVE NEEDED A BRAND-NEW

SUPER HERO.

I HAVE THAT VERY THING FOR YOU

THIS EVENING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE HELP ME WELCOME LIVE

AND ON STAGE BEFORE YOU THIS

EVENING, MELVIN THE SUPERHERO

GUY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW ARE YOU?

"I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU MORTAL

HUMANS.

I AM A SUPERHERO.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?"

WHAT KIND OF A SUPERHERO?

"WHAT?"

WHAT KIND OF A SUPERHERO?

"THE SUPER KIND.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?"

AND WHAT DO YOU DO?

"I DO SUPERHERO STUFF."

LIKE WHAT, YOU HAVE POWERS?

"YES, OF COURSE.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE POWERS.

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP!"

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

"I CAN FLY.

YES, I CAN FLY!"

[LAUGHTER]

TO WHERE?

"TO THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP!

IT'S NOT EASY!"

YOU FIGHT CRIME?

"YES, OF COURSE.

FIGHT CRIME."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT KIND OF CRIME?

"THE BAD KIND."

BUT WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO?

"I-- I FIGHT CATTLE WRESTLERS."

WE DON'T HAVE ANY CATTLE

WRESTLERS AROUND HERE.

"SEE, I'M DOING A PRETTY DAMN

GOOD JOB, AREN'T I?"

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A

SUPERHERO, WHY DON'T WE COMPARE

YOU TO ANOTHER SUPERHERO WE

MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE FAMILIAR

WITH.

"OKAY FINE, WHO?"

SUPERMAN.

"OH, HE'S GOOD."

ALL RIGHT.

CAN YOU-- CAN YOU STOP A

SPEEDING BULLET?

"ONCE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHUT UP!

IT HURTS LIKE HELL."

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BATMAN?

"SHAMEFUL."

WHAT?

"GROWN MAN IN A RUBBER SUIT

RUNNIN' AROUND WITH A YOUNG BOY.

[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS CATHOLIC.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE

X-RAY VISION TO SEE WHAT

THE HELL'S GOIN' ON THERE.

AND MY WIFE QUESTIONS MY

MASCULINITY.

HA, HA, HA, HA."

WELL, SO YOU'RE MARRIED?

"HUH-HUH."

DOES YOUR WIFE HAVE ANY POWERS?

"YES-- HUH-HUH."

LIKE WHAT?

"WELL, ONCE A MONTH SHE BECOMES

EVIL.

AND I CANNOT DEFEAT HER.

OUR CHILDREN RUN IN TERROR.

OUR BIG DOG COWERS UNDER

THE COUCH.

THAT'S WHEN I PUT ON THIS SUIT

AND GET THE HELL OUT."

[LAUGHTER]

SO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?

"TWO BOYS."

WHAT DO THEY DO?

"THEY PISS ME OFF."

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, DO YOU HAVE AN ARCH

NEMESIS?

"WHAT?"

DO YOU HAVE AN ARCH NEMESIS?

"NO, I WEAR CORRECTIVE SHOES."

[LAUGHTER]

WHERE'D YOU GET THE SUIT?

"ONLINE AUCTION.

[LAUGHTER]

SHUT UP!

[LAUGHTER]

I DEFEATED THE HIGHEST BIDDER."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DOES THE "D" STAND FOR?

"HELL, I DON'T KNOW.

IT CAME WITH THE FRICKIN' SUIT.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYBE IT'S MY THEME SONG."

OH, YOU HAVE A THEME SONG.

WHAT'S YOUR THEME SONG?"

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪

[LAUGHTER]

"SHUT UP!

IT'S CATCHY!"

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A SUPERHERO,

YOU NEED TO HAVE THE POSTURE,

THE STANCE, THE STATURE OF A

TRUE SUPERHERO.

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO STAND

PROUDLY.

"OKAY."

GO AHEAD, TRY THAT.

"OKAY.

THIS'LL NEVER WORK."

WHY NOT?

"CAN'T SEE OVER MY FRICKIN'

NOSE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S MELVIN THE SUPERHERO.

THERE WE GO, RIGHT?

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

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