Chris Hardwick - The Gambler

  • Season 1 , Ep 6
  • 02/12/2010
  • Views: 9,083

Ranch dressing contains some kind of molecule that gives hicks their pasty sheen. (2:21)

I AM FROM TENNESSEE,GOD DAMN IT!

(cheering)UH...

I'M A RECOVERING HICK.

UHH, I'VE TRIEDTO GET PAST IT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVETHAT WHEN I TELL THEM.

BUT I WILL PROVE ITTO YOU PEOPLE.

MY FATHERWAS A PROFESSIONAL BOWLER.

...YEAH, HE WAS.

OH, IT DOES NOT GET ANY MOREHICK THAN THAT, YOU GUYS.

I DON'T KNOWIF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS.

BOWLING BALLS ARE ACTUALLYHICK EGGS.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,THAT'S WHERE REDNECKS COME FROM

CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

THE MOTHERS LAY THE EGGSIN PILES OF CIGARETTE ASH.

(laughter)

THE YOUNG HICKLINGS EMERGEMULLET-FIRST,

CRAWL TO THEIR MOTHERS,WHO THEN REGURGITATE

RANCH DRESSING AND BUD LIGHTINTO OUR MOUTHS.

(laughter)

AND WE WILL PUT RANCH DRESSINGON ANYTHING, EVERYTHING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER--VEGETABLES, MEAT,

OTHER RANCH DRESSING,WE DON'T CARE!

WHAT KIND OF A RANCH?SOME KIND OF A MAYONNAISE RANCH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER,

RANCH DRESSING CONTAINSSOME KIND OF MOLECULE

THAT GIVES HICKSTHEIR PASTY SHEEN.

(laughter)

THIS IS A--THIS ISA HICK NATION WE LIVE IN.

GOD BLESS IT.

THE NATIONAL BIRD SHOULD BEHOT WINGS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM SHOULD BE"THE GAMBLER" BY KENNY ROGERS

WHICH IS A SILLY SONGBY THE WAY.

IT'S JUST SO OBVIOUS.

"YOU GOT TO KNOW WHENTO HOLD 'EM,

KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM."

THAT IS THE MOST OBVIOUS...ING POKER ADVICE

YOU COULD EVER GIVE ANYONE.

THAT SONG IS SO OBVIOUS,

IF IT'D BEEN CALLED"THE HUNTER,"

I THINK IT WOULD HAVE GONELIKE THIS.

♪ YOU GOT TO SHOOTAT AN ANIMAL ♪

♪ DON'T SHOOT ROCKSOR PEOPLE ♪

(laughter)

AT LEAST THAT SONG TRIES TO HAVESOME SORT OF A METAPHOR.

LIKE, MOST COUNTRY MUSICIS JUST SO ON THE NOSE.

HICKS,WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S JUST ALL LIKE,

♪ TRUCKS AND WOMENAND CRYING ♪

♪ AND WHISKEY AND FREEDOMAND GUNS AND THE LORD ♪

LIKE, EVERY SONG.

AND I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE HICKSDON'T REALLY GRASP SUBTEXT,

YOU KNOW, LIKE,THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND, LIKE,

DOUBLE ENTENDRE,FOR INSTANCE.

THEY UNDERSTANDSINGLE ENTENDRE.

"HEY, I SURE WOULD LIKETO HAVE SEX IN YOUR VAGINA,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."

(laughter)

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