Retta - Annoying Friend

  • Season 8 , Ep 5
  • 02/12/2004
  • Views: 6,783

Retta's annoying friend calls her at nine a.m. to stress about white out and toner. (2:52)

Retta: I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY

PEOPLE HERE HAVE A FRIEND

WHO ANNOYS YOU SO MUCH YOU DON'T

KNOW WHY LET THEM CONTINUE TO BE

YOUR FRIEND.

[APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT THIS FRIEND WHO LIVES

HERE ON THE EAST COAST.

I LIVE ON THE WEST COAST.

SHE CALLS ME EARLY IN THE

MORNING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HER

JOB STRESS.

NOW, LET ME PREFACE THAT SHE

HOLDS THE TITLE OF ASSISTANT

TO THE OFFICE MANAGER.

SO HER BIG STRESS IS WHEN TO

ORDER MORE TONER AND WHITE-OUT.

SO YOU CAN SEE WHY SHE HAS

AN ULCER.

AND SHE'S LIKE "I'M THE ONLY

ONE THAT DOES ANY WORK AROUND

HERE.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME NOTHING

WOULD GET DONE."

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

YOUR ASSOCIATE'S DEGREE FROM

COMMUNITY COLLEGE ARE WHAT KEEPS

CITIBANK MOVING LIKE A

WELL-OILED MACHINE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DON'T SAY THESE THINGS

BECAUSE I'M ONLY EVIL ON THE

INSIDE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE)

SHE GOES ON AND ON AND

I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, LITTLE MISS

COMPLAINS-A-LOT, DON'T CALL ME

9:00 AM EASTERN STANDARD TIME

TO BITCH ABOUT HOW YOU'RE

UNAPPRECIATED IN THE WORK

PLACE."

"I EARN MY LIVING AS A COMIC.

I LIVE IN A STUDIO APARTMENT

IN THE BARRIO.

THAT MEANS MY BEDROOM IS MY

LIVING ROOM.

NOT ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS SPEAK

ENGLISH.

AND THE LAST TIME I HAD A

DENTAL PLAN, RICKY MARTIN WAS

A MEMBER OF MENUDO.

SO UNTIL YOU'RE FORCED TO MAKE

SOME REAL DECISIONS LIKE WHETHER

TO USE YOUR LAST $5 ON A BOX OF

DETERGENT OR A CAN OF DEODORANT,

DON'T CALL ME CRYING ABOUT HOW

YOU DESERVE AN ASSIGNED PARKING

SPACE."

"'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO MATTER WHAT I DO WITH THAT

$5, DETERGENT, DEODORANT,

I'M STILL GONNA BE FUNKY."

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS A GIRL WHO DOESN'T LIKE

ANIMALS BUT HAS PETS.

"KELLY, WHY DO YOU HAVE PETS?"

"'CAUSE I GET LONELY."

OKAY, TALK ABOUT SLEEPING WITH

THE ENEMY.

SHE'S GOT A BIRD.

THE BIRD ESSENTIALLY LIVES IN A

CAGE.

HOWEVER, SHE LETS HIM OUT BUT HE

CANNOT FLY BECAUSE LIKE A LOT OF

BIRD OWNERS, SHE HAD HIS LOWER

WINGS CLIPPED.

YET, SHE NAMED HIM FREEDOM.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW MUCH FREEDOM DOES THIS BIRD

HAVE?

AND THEN SHE FEEDS FREEDOM

PEOPLE FOOD.

WE HAD GONE SHOPPING.

WE'RE RUSHING TO GET BACK TO HER

PLACE.

WE WENT THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU

AT KFC.

WE GET BACK TO HER PLACE.

SHE ALWAYS HAS THE BIRD ON HER

LAP AND SHE TALKS BABY TALK TO

THE BIRD.

SO SHE'S LIKE, "OH, FEE-FEE.

OH, I LOVE MY FEE--"

NEXT THING I KNOW SHE STARTS

FEEDING THE BIRD SOME OF HER

FOOD.

I WAS LIKE, "HUH, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING?"

SHE'S LIKE "WHAT?

I'M FEEDING MY BIRD."

I SAID, "YOU'RE FEEDING YOUR

BIRD, BIRD?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS HAS GOT TO BE CRUELTY

TO ANIMALS.

SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, MY VET SAYS

IT'S OKAY."

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I DON'T

WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO

FEEDING THAT DAMN DOG."

[LAUGHTER]

Loading...