Patton Oswalt - Selling Out at a Casino Pt. 2

Patton Oswalt: Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time Season 1, Ep 101 04/06/2014 Views: 11,714

Patton Oswalt does a VIP meet-and-greet with the forty drunkest people he has ever seen. (2:47)

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AT THIS ROOM,

AND I DON'T HEAR THE TENSIONIN HER VOICE WHEN SHE SAID,

"YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO THISAFTER THE SHOW."

DO IT BEFORE THE SHOW.TRUST ME."

"OKAY. COME GET MEAT QUARTER TO 7:00."

SHE LEAVES.

I JERKED OFFIN TWO OF THE BEDROOMS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.THE ROOM WAS --

PEOPLE, THE ROOM WASSO GODDAMN BIG,

I WAS LIKEA TERRIFIED ORANGUTAN.

I JUST RAN AROUND,JUST, "AH! MY ROOM NOW!"

SO THEN...

I...

COMES AND GETS ME.

I GO DOWNSTAIRS IN THE V.I.P.MEET-AND-GREET ROOM.

THERE'S A GREEN BLANKET

WHERE THEY'RE GONNA GREEN SCREENDIGITAL PICTURES BEHIND US --

ANY BACKGROUND THAT PEOPLE WANT.

AND I'M STANDING THERE,

AND THEY BRING IN THE 40V.I.P. HIGH-ROLLER CUSTOMERS,

WHO HAPPEN TO BE

THE 40 DRUNKEST HUMAN BEINGSI'VE EVER SEEN.

EVER. EVER.

AND I WAS IN A FRAT IN COLLEGE,

AND I'VE BEENTO A RUSSIAN WEDDING.

THAT IS HOW DRUNK.

THESE PEOPLE WERE BEYOND.

THEY'RE NONVERBAL.

THEY'RE [BLEEP] NONVERBAL.

AND THEY'RE COMING IN JUST,"AAH!"

AND THEY KIND OF NUDGE THEMTOWARDS ME,

AND THEY EACH --

SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA,IN 40 DIFFERENT HOUSES,

THERE ARE PICTURES OF MELOOKING LIKE...

[ WHIMPERS ]

AND THEN THERE'S SOMEONENEXT TO ME GOING...

[ GROANS ]

AND IF THOSE PICTURESCAN BE REASSEMBLED,

THEY FORM THE KEY OF TIME!

SO...

THE WHOLE THINGTAKES 10 MINUTES.

THEY LEAVE.

AND I'M STANDING THERE THINKING,"IT'S [BLEEP] 7:00.

"THE SHOW STARTS IN TWO HOURS.

"THEY'RE GOING TO DRINK MORE.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE LEAVING."

THE ROOM HOLDS 400 PEOPLE,

SO ONE OUT OF EVERY 10WILL BE THAT DRUNK.

AND IN MY MIND, I'M LIKE, "WELL,THIS IS GONNA BE A NIGHTMARE.

IT'S GONNA BE TERRIBLE."

SHE GOES, "LET'S GO BACK UPTO YOUR ROOM.

WE'LL COME GET YOUAT 10 MINUTES TO 9:00."

SHE LEAVES.I JERK OFF IN THE BATHTUB.

SHE COMES BACK.

WE GO DOWN.I GO BACKSTAGE.

MY OPENER IS SITTING THERE,AND I SAID,

"HEY, IF YOU WANT, I'LL GO OUT,I'LL INTRODUCE YOU,

OR I'LL BRING YOU FROM OFFSTAGEWITH AN OFFSTAGE MIKE."

AND HE SAID, "OH, I WENT ON.I WENT ON AT 8:00."

I SAID, "YOU WENT ON AT 8:00?THAT SUCKS.

YOU DID AN HOUR?THAT'S A RIP-OFF."

HE GOES,"OH, I JUST DID 15 MINUTES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I ASKED,"AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"