Nicole Byer - Adventures in Drinking - Uncensored

Disaster 03/29/2016 Views: 2,742

Nicole Byer shares her love of drinking and recalls some of the strangest experiences she's had while drunk. (11:43)

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- So I start eatingthe burger...

[audience groaningand laughing]

While I'm taking a shit.- Aah!

- And--yes--and then I realize--

Someone was really disgustedby that.

They're like, "Aah!"[laughter]

I guess we're notfucking tonight.

Um...[laughs]

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to"This Is Not Happening"!

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.

Tonight all the storiesare about disasters.

[cheers and applause]

Please give it up for Ms. Nicole Byer, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- I love drinking!

[cheers and applause]Yes!

[scoffs]And my friend Marcy--

she likes to be like, "Nicole,you might be an alcoholic."

And I'm like, "No."[giggles]

"No, I make it to work on time."

I feel like alcoholics--they're just fucking shit up,

and I'm doing good.

I'm here on time, you know?

And, uh, I like drinking

because it's likea real adventure.

I love going on adventures.

I like getting into carswith strangers.

It's fun. You never knowwhat you're gonna get.

I've made several friends get incars with people we didn't know,

and they're like,"Is this your friend?"

I'm like, "No. Yay!"

One time I met this manin a U-Haul.

I was like...

[silly voice] "Hey, you wantto take me around?"

[normal voice]And he was like, "Okay."

So I get in the backof his U-Haul.

There's no seats.There's no seat belts.

There's nothing.

I'm just, like, bouncing around,just, like, loving my life.

And then I, like, callmy roommate Jenny,

and I'm like, "Jenny, I got usa ride to the next bar."

She was like, "Cool."

And then she was like,"The fuck?"

[laughter]

But, like,Jenny also likes adventures.

So the two of us are justbouncing around in this U-Haul,

going around Manhattan.

It was great.

And then I was like,"Ooh, I'm hungry."

He's like,"Let's go to Ray's Pizza."

And I was like, "Okay."

So I get a slice of pizza.

[silly voice]And I'm like,

"Ooh, I can't waitto eat this pizza.

It's gonna be so good."

[normal voice] So, like,I go to take the first bite,

and I drop it,cheese side down.

And I was like, "No!"

[silly voice]"This is the worst thing

that's ever happenedin my life!"

[normal voice]And Jenny's like,

"We'll get you another pieceof pizza."

[silly voice] And I was like,"No, it's okay.

I'll take one for the team."

[normal voice]So I...

pick it upand just start eating it.

Let me tell you, it wasthe crunchiest piece of pizza

I've ever had in my life.

All of New Yorkwas in my mouth.

And I made it to work on timethe next day,

'cause I'm not an alcoholic.

I went through a phasewith my drinking

where I liked to get real drunk,but I also like to be clean.

So I would, like, black outand be like...

[silly voice]"Got to get in the shower."

[normal voice]So...

[laughter]I would, like--

[silly voice]Just soaping it up,

and I'm like,"This feels so good!"

[normal voice]It feels great, you guys,

to just be drunk,soaping your titties.

And, um...[laughter]

I knew my shower was overwhen I was out of the shower

on my back, like,just tumbling out and like...

[silly voice]"Okay, yeah, I guess I'm done.

Good call."

[normal voice]And...

one of these timesI didn't fall out of the shower.

I just fell in the shower,

and I hit every single fixturegoing down.

It was like,thu--thu--thu--thunk!

And then I,like, passed out.

Oops.

[laughter]

And when I came to, I was in,like, this big pool of blood.

'Cause if you put, like,a drop of blood in water,

it looks like a lot.

But I guess I passed out,but it was so much.

[silly voice] I was like,"Oh, no, that's not good.

"This is not good.This is very bad.

It looks very, very bad."

[normal voice] And then I wastrying to get the water down,

and I couldn't,and I was like...

[silly voice] "I got to getto work--I'll just leave it."

[normal voice] And I went towork with, like, an open chin.

And I was just, like, bleedingin the cab.

He's like, "You okay?"I'm like, "Just drive."

And nurses workedon the floor above us,

and they usedour vending machines,

'cause they get hungry.

And, um...

I asked them--I was like,"Do I need stitches?"

And the woman was like, "No."

And then years later,I asked a doctor friend.

I was like, "Should I havegotten stitches?"

He was like, "Absolutely."So fuck that lady.

But, uh...

- Whoo!

- Someone whoo'd.Someone hates nurses back there.

She's like, "Yeah, fuck her."

[laughter]

So, like, there is a poolof, like, bloody water

in my bathtub stillwhile I'm at work.

So I texted my roommate Evan.

I was like,"Evan, I murdered somebody."

And then he was like,

"What happened?What's going on?"

And I just didn't answer.

It was very funny to me.

[laughter]

It's still pretty funny to me.

Um, okay, this storyis an adventure on a airplane.

So I was on a red-eyefrom L.A. to New York,

and I sit down, and I usuallywear this necklace.

It's a giant nameplate necklacethat says "Nicole."

My best friendgot it for me.

The Brooklyn jewelerwas like,

"Are you sureyou want it that big?"

And she's like, "Yeah,I have a very tacky friend."

So she gets me this necklace.I'm sitting on the plane.

The flight attendant--his name was Carlton.

I love him. He goes,"Oh, you must be Nicole."

And I was like,"Oh, my necklace."

And he's like,"Yes, but also,

I know you from that show'The Girl Codes.'"

And I was like, "Oh, yeah,'Girl Code,' cool."

And then he was like,"I got you,"

'cause I was sitting in coach.

Don't tell nobody.But, um...

So I'm in coach, and then he,like, hooks me up with a drink.

He's like,"What do you want?"

And I was like,"A vodka soda, please."

And he was like, "Okay, I gotyou, I got you, I got you."

And I was like, "Great."

And, uh, so he brings three

of those airplane bottlesof vodka and a splash of soda.

And I was like, "Game on."

So...[coughs]

Sorry. I havea little bit of a cough.

I call it my athlete's cough,

'cause one timeI played basketball,

and my body was like, "Stop."

[laughter]

So I drink thosethree bottles of vodka

and the splash of soda,and I was like, "Great."

Comes back around, he's like,"Do you want another?"

And I was like,"Absolutely. Let's do this."

So he brings three more,no soda, and I was like...

[silly voice]"Yeah, yeah, ooh, I like this."

[normal voice] Drink those.He comes back around.

He's like,"Do you want another?"

And I was like...

[silly voice] "I don't knowhow to say no," so...

[normal voice]So I drink nine

of those airplane bottlesof vodka--

yeah, you know, that's, like,a drink and a half per bottle--

on a 4 1/2-hour flight.

I was so drunk.

[silly voice] I was like,"I know what I'll do.

I'll watch'Back to the Future.'"

[normal voice]So...

I, uh--I watch"Back to the Future"

like I had never seenit before.

[silly voice]I was like, "DeLorean?

That's a lady's name."

[laughter]

[normal voice] It is.You go to the right hood.

You go, "Hey, DeLorean."She be like, "Hi, girl."

But, uh...

The guy next mewas just like, "Shh."

And I was like,"You like Christopher Lloyd?"

And he was like,"What is wrong with you?"

So I was, like, knee-slapping.

I really enjoyed my timewatching that movie.

I've literally seen it100 times.

But we land at JFK,and I stumble off the plane,

say good-byeto my best friend Carlton.

He was like,"Bye, girl."

And, uh, I see Shake Shackis open.

Do you guys knowwhat Shake Shack is?

- Whoo.- Fucking delicious.

So it's open at 7:00 a.m.

So I say to nobody...

[silly voice]"Jesus loves his little baby."

[normal voice] And then I, like,stumble up, and I order my food.

And the guy goes,"Oh, you must be Nicole,"

'cause he can read my necklace,and my response was,

"You know who I am'cause I'm famous!"

[laughter]

Which is something famous peopledon't have to say.

So...

after I sufficiently terrorizethis Shake Shack,

I take my burger,I'm walking to leave JFK,

and I was like,"Ooh, I got to pee."

So I go to the bathroom.I start peeing.

Let's get real.I'm taking a shit.

[laughter and applause]

Yeah, mm, planes are tight.Can't shit on a plane.

So I'm taking a shit,and I smell my burger,

and I'm like,"Ooh, it smells so good."

So I start eating the burger...

[audience groaningand laughing]

While I'm taking a shit.- Aah!

- And--yes--and then I realize--

Someone was really disgustedby that.

They're like, "Aah!"[laughter]

I guess we're notfucking tonight.

Um...[laughs]

So I realize what I'm doing,so I start crying.

[laughter]

So now I'm crying,eating a burger, taking a shit.

[laughter]And I was like...

[silly voice] "I knowwhat'll make me feel better.

I'll sing myself a song."

[normal voice]So I start singing

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow"

while I'm crying,eating a burger, taking a shit.

And then I look downand see a pair of feet.

And instead of just,like, shutting it down,

I knocked on the partition.I was like...

[silly voice] "Excuse me.I'm not normally like this."

[laughter]

[normal voice]And then the woman,

being a normal,human, adult woman,

said nothing.

So then I, like,start hearing other sounds

and realize there are dozensof women in this bathroom,

washing their hands,moving very slowly.

They're like, "I can't waitto see that monster,

you know, behind that door."

"Oh, yeah, girl,I'll definitely miss my flight

to see what'sbehind that door."

So I just said out loudto no one, I was like,

"Hey!I'm okay!"

[coughs, clears throat]

I think I'm pretty okay.

Oh, boy, let's tell another one,you guys.

So I got very, very drunk.

And I don't condonedrunk driving.

It's not cool.It's not fun.

But I was so hungry.

So...

[laughter]

So I drunk-droveto Jack In The Box,

and instead of just, like,pulling up

to the thing you talk into,

I went straight to the window.

And I was like...

[silly voice]"Excuse me. Excuse me.

You give meall your French fries."

[normal voice]And then the lady was like,

"Yes, I'll give you an orderof French fries."

I was like...

[silly voice]"Nah, give me the loose ones."

[laughter]

[normal voice] And she was like,"No, I'm gonna put them

in a orderand give it to you."

And I was like...

[silly voice]"You know best."

[normal voice] And thenshe was like, "Stay here.

Don't driveto the next window."

So I drove to the next window,

and then she was running,and that was very funny to me.

And she hands memy French fries, and I go...

[silly voice]"Thank you.

Thank you for my babies."

[normal voice] I calledthese French fries my babies.

I then buckled them upin the passenger seat...

swerve, swerve home,get to my garage,

get out of my side,

open the door to let my babiesout, and they fall on the floor.

And without skipping a beat,I was like, "Not my babies!"

[imitating chomping]

And in that moment, I was like,"Is this rock bottom?"

No, it wasn't.

You guys have been wonderful.

I'm Nicole Byer.[cheers and applause]