I'm a straight man.I'm one of the straight guys.
Some exceptions.Some exceptions.
I am completely gayfor Ryan Gosling.
That's true.[cheers and applause]
Behold, the correct response.
In fact any man not clappingand applauding
at least in his heart
is a goddamn liar.
And I want to hit youin the face
with an antique fanfrom the Orient
until you admit it.
You don't have to be gayto know
that thatis a gorgeous, sexy beast,
and he's everythingthat we want to be.
I am gay for Gosling.
I don't want to [bleep] him.
That's not enough.
That's just a little piece of meinside of him.
I want to goall the way up in there
and wear him like a puppet.
Do you understand?
I want to be Ryan Gosling.
I'm getting ordersfrom Ryan Gosling.
I saw the movie Drive. Changed my life.
It's true.I saw it, I left the theater,
I was like, Oh, that'swhat I'll do to be cool.
I just won't talk.
I've done it.It totally works.
I've been on a date,the girl's talking,
I don't know what to say,do what Gos would do, man--
shut your mouth,chew on a toothpick,
don't say shit.
And by works, I mean we'rein a nonsexual relationship
where I'm helping herraise her son.
And also helping her husbandrob a pawnshop.
I think it'll be okay.