Pete Holmes - Gay for Gosling

Pete Holmes: Nice Try, The Devil Season 1, Ep 101 05/12/2013 Views: 37,840

Any man who doesn't admit that Ryan Gosling is a gorgeous, sexy beast will get hit in the face by Pete Holmes. (1:33)

Watch Full Episode

I'm a straight man.I'm one of the straight guys.

Some exceptions.Some exceptions.

I am completely gayfor Ryan Gosling.

That's true.[cheers and applause]

Behold, the correct response.

In fact any man not clappingand applauding

at least in his heart

is a goddamn liar.

And I want to hit youin the face

with an antique fanfrom the Orient

until you admit it.

You don't have to be gayto know

that thatis a gorgeous, sexy beast,

and he's everythingthat we want to be.

I am gay for Gosling.

That's right.

I don't want to [bleep] him.

That's not enough.

[laughter]

That's just a little piece of meinside of him.

I want to goall the way up in there

and wear him like a puppet.

Do you understand?

I want to be Ryan Gosling.

I'm getting ordersfrom Ryan Gosling.

I saw the movie Drive. Changed my life.

It's true.I saw it, I left the theater,

I was like, Oh, that'swhat I'll do to be cool.

I just won't talk.

I've done it.It totally works.

I've been on a date,the girl's talking,

I don't know what to say,do what Gos would do, man--

shut your mouth,chew on a toothpick,

don't say shit.

It works.

And by works, I mean we'rein a nonsexual relationship

where I'm helping herraise her son.

[laughter]

And also helping her husbandrob a pawnshop.

I think it'll be okay.