Jim David - White People

  • Season 4, Ep 2
  • 12/10/2000
  • Views: 8,686

White people are scared of everything. (2:19)

CAME TO VISIT ME.

I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE COME

TO VISIT ME HERE.

SOME FRIENDS OF MINE CAME

TO VISIT ME FROM HOLLAND,

AND THEY SAID, "WE WOULD LIKE TO

GO TO HARLEM."

I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

THE DUTCH INFLUENCE HAS WANED

OVER THE YEARS."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NICE TO HAVE BLACK PEOPLE

HERE TONIGHT.

I WAS JUST IN MAINE.

YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

THAT IS THE WHITEST STATE

IN THE ENTIRE UNION.

YOU GO TO MAINE, YOU FEEL LIKE

YOU'VE BEEN BEAMED INTO THE

LAWRENCE WELK SHOW.

EVERYBODY IS RUNNING AROUND

GOING, ♪ WHITE PEOPLE THROWING

THEIR WEIGHT AROUND,

SHOWING THE WORLD WHO'S

IN CHARGE: WHITE PEOPLE! ♪♪

WHEN I MOVED TO NEW YORK,

MY GRANDMOTHER SAID,

"YOU'D BETTER BE CAREFUL WHEN

YOU MOVE TO NEW YORK BECAUSE

THERE'S...black people."

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

SHE SAID "there's black people."

IT'S LIKE SHE WAS AFRAID EVERY

BLACK PERSON WITHIN 300 MILES

IS GONNA BURST THROUGH

THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW GOING,

"I HAVE YOU NOW."

WHY ARE WHITE PEOPLE SO SCARED

OF BLACK-- WHITE PEOPLE ARE

THE BIGGEST BABY--

WE'RE AFRAID.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID.

WE COULD SEE 5 BLACK GUYS

IN ARMANI WALKING TOWARD 'EM

ON THE STREET, AND THEY GO,

"OH, O-O-O-K-AY."

(LAUGHTER)

WHITE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID THAT IF

WE GO TO A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD,

THEY'RE GONNA MUG US.

THE ONLY TIME I'VE EVER BEEN

MUGGED IN A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD

WAS BY A WHITE GUY WHO GRABBED

ME, SCREAMING "GET ME THE HELL

OUT OF HERE!"

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE AFRAID OF EVERYTHING.

WE ARE.

WE'RE AFRAID OF THE ASIANS.

WE'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GONNA TAKE

OVER OUR COMPANY AND THEN TAKE

OUR PICTURE.

WE'RE AFRAID.

WE'RE AFRAID OF THE PUERTO

RICANS.

WE'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GONNA HIT

OUR CAR WITHOUT INSURANCE AND

THEN STEAL THE HUBCAPS.

WE'RE AFRAID.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WE'RE AFRAID OF THE MEXICANS.

WE'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GONNA SNEAK

ACROSS THE BORDER ILLEGALLY,

GO ON WELFARE, AND THEN GIVE US

ALL DIARRHEA.

WE'RE AFRAID.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

AFRAID OF THE ISRAELIS,

AFRAID THEY'RE GONNA TURN OUR

SUBURBS INTO LITTLE SETTLEMENTS

AND THEN BLOW THEM UP.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE NO PROBLEM

GIVING THE ISRAELIS ALL OF

JERUSALEM, AS LONG AS THEY GIVE

US BACK SOME OF FLORIDA.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH ANY OF

THAT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AFRAID OF THE GAY PEOPLE,

WHITE PEOPLE.

AFRAID THEY'RE GOING TO SEDUCE

OUR CHILDREN INTO INTERIOR

DESIGN.

"DON'T DO THAT!"

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