So, Monday is Independence Day.
Now, a lot of peopleare gonna be celebrating--
Don't do that, by the way.
It's only a joke.
But, you know, it's funny,every year I like to share
my reflections on the holidayand country, and...
it's funny, I've been doing itsince the '70s, uh,
when I had my first show on UHF.Did I ever mention that show?
In fact, you know,I think we have some footage
from the big bicentennialepisode I did in '76.
Uh, Drake, can you run that?
Hey, welcome back to my Super Groovy Bicentennial BBQ
Can You Dig It? celebration.
So, Isaac from The Love Boat's hanging with us today.
Uh, actually, um,my name is Ted Lange.
-Mm-hmm. -Isaac isjust a character that I play.
Isaac, do that thing you doon The Love Boat opening.
You know, with the fingers.Do that.
That's some...that's some cool (bleep).
Yeah. All right, Isaac,mix me up a mai tai.
Best Fourth of July I ever had,
I was butt-nakedon the George Washington Bridge.
-(chuckles)-Um... that's where I woke up.
I don't know what hap...That was the fifth of July.
What other holidaycan you do that? Arbor Day?
Go (bleep) yourself, Arbor Day.
You got to time your drugsaccordingly.
Nothing beatssome elephant tranquilizers
right beforethe big fireworks display.
It adds three additional colorsnot on the rainbow.
(chuckles):You know what I'm saying?
And let me tell yousomething, (bleep),
you never heard tuba musictill you've heard tuba music
on elephant tranquilizers.That's some (bleep).
Nothing says Independence Day
like stepping awayfrom your marriage vows
and getting freakywith the neighbor ladies.
You know what I mean. That'sindependence, mother (bleep).
I'm talkin' wife-swappin'.
(chuckles):Right? And free rides to the top
of Mount Washington Monument.
Why'd they call that thingthe Love Boat anyway?
Love is somehippy-dippy (bleep), man.
People just want to bone.
They sh...they oughtto call that just the Bone Boat.
It is perfectly fineto use your hibachi indoors.
A lot of mother (bleep)don't know that.
Also, they just puta fresh coat of-- uh...
what's that (bleep) called?--asbestos in here last week.
Oh, this (bleep) is safe, man.Safe as can be.
We're gonna do somebicentennial predictions.
-(quietly): All right!-You know, um...
this is just the wayI see (bleep)
for the next 200 years.
The Russians will bethe first ones on Venus.
That's my prediction.
What do you think? Mars?
-Uh...-(bleep) Mars, man.
Future leader, right?
Man will evolveto having a third hand.
I don't know wherethat hand's gonna come from.
Strangulation will be the waymost people will die.
-Yeah.-Mm. Tell me it's not more fun
to strangle a (bleep)than to shoot 'em.
Am I right?
Remember?You strangled Carl last year.
No, I never told...
(bleep) nobody's watching thisthat's gonna arrest you!
He strangled Carl, man.That was some (bleep).
Man, you just knocked overmy mustard, mother (bleep).
Let me tell you,let me tell you,
that Liberty Bell, that wasan out-of-sight idea, man.
Nobody cares about no bell,but you put a crack in it,
all of a sudden everybody wantsto go to Philly and see it.
Right? Like some kindof tourist attraction.
That's-that'ssome genius (bleep).
They ought to put a crackin everything.
Have a happy and safeFourth of July, America!
-(cheering, applause)-We'll be right back.