Maria Bamford - That Schtick

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 01/29/2010
  • Views: 39,363

Maria Bamford presents a portion of her act that generically does well with most people. (2:04)

ACROSS OUR GREAT NATION,AND, UH,

MY ACT DOESN'T ALWAYSGO WELL.

SO I TRY TO PREPAREA PORTION OF MY ACT

THAT I THINK GENERICALLYDOES WELL WITH MOST PEOPLE,

BUT SOMETHING THAT DOESN'TSELL OUT MY OWN CREATIVE VISION.

SO I'LL DO A PIECEOF THAT SHTICK

FOR YOU AT THIS TIME.

HELPS ME SURVIVETHE COMEDY CLUB SCENE.

GUYS, LADIES,LADIES, WHEN WE ARE DATING,

WE HAVE A SYSTEM,DON'T WE?

WE DO! WE HAVE A SYSTEM!WE DO!

(laughter and applause)

HERE'S MY SYSTEM.FIRST DATE, KISS ON THE CHEEK.

SECOND DATE,WE CAN MAKE OUT.

THIRD DATE, IF HE BUYS ME SHOESAND CHOCOLATE,

HE CAN GET KEYSTO MY APARTMENT,

AND HE CAN GO THROUGHTHE BACKDOOR. (hums)

(laughter)

I'M EMPTY INSIDE.I'M A HUSK.

I CAN'T FEEL MY HANDS.

(laughter)

HMM.

(laughter)

I AM WRITING A BOOK.

IT IS CALLED "MEN ARE FROM MARSAND WOMEN WANT THEIR PENIS."

AM I RIGHT?I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

(laughter)

I DON'T FEEL WELL.

THIS IS THE GREATEST JOBIN THE WORLD

IN THE GREATEST COUNTRYIN THE WORLD.

(laughter)

(giggles nervously)

♪ OH, SAY DOES THAT

♪ STAR-SPANGLED BANNERYET WAVE ♪

I'LL BE SELLINGMY T-SHIRTS OUTSIDE.

THEY SAY "SKINNY BITCH"'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM!

(laughter)

♪ O'ER THE LANDOF THE FREE ♪

I'M TRAPPED.

♪ AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE

AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GETTO KNOW ME,

I'LL BE BACK ATTHE COMFORT INN & SUITES.

AT THE INTERSECTION OF THE 2,THE 210 AND THE 110-2,

MAKING CROSS-HATCH PATTERNSINTO MY ARM

WITH A CURLING IRON.

LONG SLEEVES, AM I RIGHT?!LONG SLEEVES!

(laughter)

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