Amy Schumer - Relay Service

Kindler, Hamilton, Ray, Schumer, Gutmann, Sharpe, Mason Season 2, Ep 3 06/28/2007 Views: 27,819

Amy Schumer describes the awkwardness of having phone sex with her deaf boyfriend. (3:26)

when I was younger.

But then old story--I got the braces off...

of my legs, and uh...



Things picked up, you know.


Then I dated a deaf guy.

He couldn't hear.

That's what that means.

And, uh...

It was awesome, though.

Honestly, ladies,

no faking orgasms.

I'd just be like,"You're doing great.

You're really doing it."

Or if I was really bitchyI'd really ham it up

and I'd be like, "Oh, this isso disappointing.

"You are hung likea hamster.

Can you lip read that?Hamster?"

But, uh...

but we were long-distancefor a little while,

and what do you wind up doingwhen you're long-distance?

That's right,you have phone sex.

Um, but when it'swith a deaf person

there's a relay service.

Somebody elseis in the mix.

And I really thinkthose operators

add their own stuff in,you know.

'Cause I would say somethinglike, you know,

"I'm taking off my clothes,"

and I'd get something backthat was so not like him

like, "I'm touching my vagina."

And I was like, "Who is this?

What are you wearing?"You know?

We had to break up though.

You know, we wanteddifferent things.

Like he wanted kids,

and I wanted him to hear, so...


You go your separate ways,you know. It's just...

It's what you do.

But I'm in a relationship again.

I'm like, honestly,

I'm so in love with my boyfriendright now.

Everything is perfect,

but we want totally differentthings in bed, you know?

Like he's always turningthe lights on,

you know what I'm saying?

And I shut 'em off

and he puts 'em on.

And the other day he was like,"Amy, why are you so shy?

You know, you havea beautiful body."

And I was like, "Oh, my God,you're so cute.

You think I don't wantyou to see me."

But I, I want to leave you guyson a really positive note.

My best friend from collegejust had a baby.

It's exciting, right?


You're like, "You'llnever see her again.

That's not exciting."

Um... No, you know.

And I'll never forgethow she told us.

She took us all out to brunch,

and she was like, "You guys,

I'm keeping this one."

We're like, "What?!"

We're like, "What are you doing?People keep them?"

It was just crazy.


And, you won't believe it,

she made me the godmother.

Isn't that craz... Isanybody a godparent here?

Big responsibility, right?

Yeah.You have to love them forver.

I'm like, I can't even makethat commitment to my parents.

You know what I mean?

My dad's like, "Will youpush me in my..."

I'm like, "I don't know what I'mgoing to be doing, you know?"

But, uh...

Like I have my schedule for...

But no, I, I love,

I love her child so much.

She says I'm actinglike she's mine now.

Just 'cause I'm alwayslike over there

you know, and buying her things.

Like, even if I feed her,she gets mad.

I'm like, "Who cares whosebreast it is? She's hungry."

You know?