Rob Riggle - Suck It

  • Season 14 , Ep 5
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 28,959

Rob Riggle presents the first draft of his acceptance speech for an Academy Award. (2:31)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIMEBEFORE I WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU WERE -- YOU WERE RIGHTTO LAUGH THE FIRST TIME.

UM...BUT SINCETHAT'S AN INEVITABILITY,

I HAVE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD

AND, UH, DO A FIRST DRAFTON MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.

SO I WOULD LIKE TO DO THATFOR YOU NOW,

IF -- IF YOU'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.

I DON'T KNOW.DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, WOW!

OKAY, I KNOW I DON'T HAVE MUCHTIME, SO I'LL TRY, UH...

UH, FIRST, UH, UH, NO KIDDING.

[ LAUGHS ]

UH...WOW!

UH, YOU KNOW, LIKE, THE ACADEMY,

I THINK, OWES MELIKE SIX OF THESE.

BUT WHATEVER, WHATEVER, OKAY.

UH, FIRST, I DON'T KNOW,I JUST --

I GUESS I GOT TO THANK MYSELF.

UH...UH, YOU KNOW, I KNOWIT'S VERY POPULAR IN HOLLYWOOD

TO SAY THAT NO MAN IS AN ISLAND,BUT IT'S --

I THINK WE'VE PROVEN THEM WRONGTONIGHT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK WE DID.

OH, GOD.

OH, SO GOOD.

UH, TO THE -- TO THE OTHERACTORS IN MY CATEGORY,

SUCK IT.

REALLY, REALLY.

UH, IF YOU HAD ANY TALENTAT ALL, YOU'D BE UP HERE.

NOT ME! OH, GOD.

UH, UH, UH, OH, GOD, YEAH,UH, OH, HERE'S -- I JUST WANT --

A QUICK LIST OF PEOPLEWHO CAN SUCK MY BALLS.

UM...

UH, COACH HEPNER.

JERK.

UH, MR. KAMINSKI, MYSEVENTH-GRADE SCIENCE TEACHER.

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]

SUCH AN ASS.

MR. -- MR. ROBBINS,MY JERK NEIGHBOR.

I'M GONNA BURN YOUR LAWN.

UH, UH, BECKY.

BECKY, WHEREVER YOU ARE,I HOPE YOU'RE IN PAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THERE'S -- THERE'S SO MANY MORE.THERE'S SO MANY MORE.

BUT I'LL E-MAIL YOU GUYS.I WILL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MY GOD. [ SIGHS ]

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU WINTHE MOST IMPORTANT AWARD EVER

IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND?

I DON'T KNOW. UH, I GUESSIT'S -- FIRST THING, SEX.

UH, JUST A TON -- A TON OF SEX.

UH, WEIRD STUFF, TOO,NOT THE NORMAL SEX.

WEIRD, EDGY,REAL DANGEROUS SEX.

THAT'S FOR SURE.

UH, WHATEVER I WANT,I'M GONNA TAKE,

AND -- AND THEN THE REST,I'M JUST GONNA BREAK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UH, OH, I GUESS THAT'S MY TIME.

UH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.THE WORLD IS MY TOILET.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

GOOD NIGHT!GOOD NIGHT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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