My name is Kjell.
I live by myself; I've gotan identical twin brother,
uh, which sucks,because my brother's older
by five minutes,and, apparently,
those five minutes gave himthe ability to succeed in life,
uh, 'cause he was betterat everything.
He had better grades in school,
he was better at sports,and this goes back to birth,
because my parents didn't knowthat I was coming.
They thought they werejust having my brother.
That's cool-- I crashedmy own birth-- that's awesome.
That feels good.
So he comes out, like,"Aw, look at our little baby.
"We love him; he's got successin his eyes, our fella."
And this is what the doctor saidword for word-- this is true.
The doctor said,"Wait, there's something more."
"There's something more,"like I'm some beast
or creature of unknown species.
Like, what kind of doctoris that?
What kind of training do youhave as a physician
saying,"There's something more."
Why don't you say,"Whoa, hold on here, whoa.
We've got some afterbirth,and it's taken human form."
My brother's wrapped upin a warm, cozy blanket.
They put me in a bedpan.
That was my welcome matto the world.
It's true-- I'm like,"I'm freezing,
can I get some gauzeor something? Anything."
And you guysare intrigued by twins.
Everyone always asksthe same question
when they find out I'm a twin.
They're like, "Wow, you'rea twin; that's so cool.
"Do you guys have ESP?
"Like, can you readeach other's minds?
If I punch you,will he feel it?"
I'm like, "No."
There's one time I had ESPwith my brother.
This is creepy, this is weird,you guys.
It was a Friday night,and unbeknownst to me,
my brother went out and gotcompletely drunk, all right?
That same night, I had sexwith a really ugly chick.
It's like Twilight Zone.
Oh, thanks a bunch,thanks, guys, thank you.
Feels good, feels good.
( laughs )
My brother gets drunka lot.
Oh, there we go.
Slow roller. Feels good.