#HashtagWars - #NewConstitutionalRights

Wednesday, September 28, 2016 09/28/2016 Views: 404

Bruce Campbell, Justin Willman and Nick Swardson propose additional constitutional amendments for the Bill of Rights. (2:26)

And now it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

-Is that Ecstasy?-Yeah.

I know what you're thinking.

This week in 1789, Congresscreated the Bill of Rights.

That's the important documentthat contains

the original12 constitutional amendments,

which guarantee protectionunder the law to every citizen,

no matter how white they wereor what style penis they had.

There would be another 130 yearsbefore anyone

who didn't look likeEnergy Secretary Ernie Moniz

could vote or own anything.


-Is he at Hogwarts?-(laughter)

He's the, uh... he'sthe janitor at Gringotts Bank.


Now, since everything we knowabout politics

has been turned on its headin this crazy election,

maybe it's time to push throughsome new amendments

with tonight's hashtag#NewConstitutionalRights.

Examples might be:The right to fight to party;

or: The right to arm bears.Think about it.

-Oh!-All right, I'm gonna put...

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock--

and I just meanbig, hairy gay men--

-(laughter)-uh, I'm gonna put 60 seconds

on the clock, and begin.Justin.

Yeah, the right to pursuemy dream of being a magician

without someone giving me(bleep) for it, Dad.

-All right. Points.-(laughter)

-Nick Swardson.-The right to Bear Grylls.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Nick Swardson.-The right to bare ass.

-Yeah, points.-(laughter)

-Justin. -The right to tweetdick pics to Bruce Campbell.

-All right. Points.-(laughter)

-Bruce Campbell.-The right to say no.


-Points. -I'll try another one.Let me try another one.

Uh, yeah, Bruce again.

The right to prohibitthe sale of alcohol...

to Mel Gibson.

-Yeah. Points.-(laughter)

Oh, that's good.

That's good. Gibson.

-Nick Swardson.-The right to freedom of speech

unless it's in a movie theater.Shut the (bleep) up.

All right, points.

-(laughter, cheering)-Shut the (bleep) up.

-Shut the (bleep)...-Bruce.

-Shut the (bleep) up.-Bruce Campbell.

The right to cheat on my wife.

-Hey... Oh.-Yep, if she wears socks.


Yeah, well, I mean,if she wears socks. Yeah.

Nick Swardson.

The right to vote...

for a new election, right?Shut the (bleep) up.

-Okay. -(laughter)-Shut the (bleep) up.

Shut the (bleep) up.


Shut the (bleep) up.

Bruce Campbell.

I want the rightto blow myself...

without my wife giving mea raft of (bleep) about it.