Chelsea Peretti - Scientific Questions

  • Season 15, Ep 3
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 41,242

When Chelsea Peretti has a lot of money she will arrange to be in a room full of puppies. (2:07)

I THINK ABOUT MYFUNERAL A LOT.

AH, I KNOW I WANT IT TO BE ANOPEN-MIC NIGHT FOR COMEDIANS.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

THANK YOU--THANK YOU, SO MUCH.

THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

[audience laughing]

I KNOW I WANT IT TO BE ANOPEN-MIC NIGHT FOR COMEDIANS.

IT'LL BE ADVERTISEDIN THE LOCAL PAPER.

YOU KNOW, $5.00 GETSYOU FIVE MINUTES, OR WHATEVER.

BECAUSE COMEDIANS ARE ALWAYSLOOKING FOR STAGE TIME,

AND I JUST THINK IT'LL BENICE TO BE DEAD FOR THAT.

[audience laughing]

HA-HA-HA.

IS IT LAZY THAT I KIND OFWISH I WAS YOU, RIGHT NOW,

AND THAT I WAS A TV?

AND THIS WASMY LIVING ROOM?

IS THAT LAZY?

ACTUALLY, I JUST WISHYOU GUYS WERE ALL PUPPIES.

HOW CUTE WOULD THAT BE

IF I WAS ALONE IN A ROOMWITH THIS MANY PUPPIES?

I'D BE LIKE, "AHHH--WHO'S GETTING PETTED FIRST?"

BE SO EXCITED.

I'D PUT ON A LITTLEWHITE, LAB COAT,

AND TRY TO GET TO THE BOTTOMOF SCIENTIFIC QUESTIONS LIKE,

"WHO'S A CUTE PUPPY?"

STUFF LIKE THAT.

ONE DAY I'LL ARRANGE ITWHEN I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.

I COME-- I NEEDA LOT OF LOVE, I DO.

IT'S NOT-- I DON'T BLAME MYPARENTS FULLY STILL, KIND OF.

NO, MY MOM'S GREAT--SHE'S VERY INTENSE.

SHE'S VERY LIKE TRICKYAND CLEVER AND INTENSE.

LIKE, IF WEGET IN FIGHTS,

MY MOM WILL DOSPAMMER TRICKS ON ME.

LIKE, WE'LL GET INA FIGHT, AND AFTERWARDS,

SHE'LL SEND ME AN EMAIL ANDTHE SUBJECT WILL BE "APOLOGY."

[audience laughing]

THEN, I'LL OPEN IT UP,AND INSIDE, IT'S LIKE,

"I WAS RIGHT ANDYOU WERE WRONG."

[audience laughing]

I'M LIKE, "AHH!

"YOU GOT ME WITH THEOLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK,

"AN ENTICINGSUBJECT HEADER."

SO, I'LL WRITE HER BACK,"APOLOGY ACCEPTED,"

AND THEN, INSIDEIT'S JUST, "EAT A [deleted]."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

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