Lenny Clarke - Married and Catholic

Lenny Clarke & Mark Pitta Season 1, Ep 0101 02/24/1992 Views: 2,114

Catholics don't get divorced. (1:38)

I GET IN AROUND 6:55SO I'M FIGHTING FOR SLEEP.

( laughter )

THE WIFE COMES BOUNCING INTO BED

SAYS, "COME ON, HONEY,LET'S GO OUT AND PLAY."

SHE'S YOUNG, SHE'S 15.

IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

I SAID, "HONEY,I DON'T WANT TO PLAY."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?"

I SAID, "LET'S HAVE SOME BEERAND WATCH CARTOONS."

"I HATE YOU WHEN YOU DRINK."

I SAID, "GOOD, BECAUSE I HATEYOU WHEN I'M NOT DRINKING."

TODAY PEOPLE GET DIVORCEDAT THE DROP OF A HAT.

"WHO LEFT THISBUTTER KNIFE HERE?

I WANT A DIVORCE."

I MEAN, PEOPLE SNAP.

I CAN'T GET DIVORCED--EIGHT LONG YEARS.

I CAN'T GET DIVORCEDBECAUSE I'M A CATHOLIC.

CATHOLICS DON'T GET DIVORCED.

THEY STAY TOGETHERTHROUGH ANGER AND HATRED

AND FESTERING MISERYJUST LIKE GOD INTENDED.

BUT ME, DID I MENTIONI MARRIED A WOMAN?

BECAUSE I WANT TO GET THATSTRAIGHT RIGHT OUT FRONT.

I LOVE WOMEN.

WOMEN ARE PROBABLYTHE NUMBER ONE REASON

WHY I'M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL TODAY.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

I HAD SEX WITH ONE GUY,BUT I NEEDED A RIDE REAL BAD.

I'M TEASING, I'M KIDDING YOUFOLKS, I DIDN'T NEED THE RIDE.

SEE, WHAT HAPPENED...

( applause )

EVERY TIME I SEEA GUY KISS ANOTHER GUY

I FIGURE WHAT THE HELL,TWO MORE CHICKS FOR ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLAP.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE HERE,THAT'S ENOUGH.

BECAUSE PEOPLE THINKCOMEDIANS ARE ALWAYS HAPPY.

♪ THERE'S A BLUEBIRDON MY SHOULDER. ♪

( imitates gunshot )

GET OFF MY SHOULDER.

WE ALL HAVE GOOD DAYSAND BAD DAYS.

WHENEVER I HAVEA REALLY BAD DAY

I DON'T TAKE IT OUTON NICE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

WHAT I DO IS I GET A BOTTLEOF WHISKY, GO TO A CEMETERY

WALK AROUND, DRINK IT

SAY, "I'M DOING BETTERTHAN EVERYBODY HERE."