Eugene Mirman - Plea Bargain

  • Season 1 , Ep 1
  • 01/08/2010
  • Views: 18,953

The immigrant in Eugene, who came to America to seek a better life, is disappointed in the district attorney. (3:17)

AND I RENTED A CAR,AND ON MY WAY BACK,

I GOT PULLED OVERAND GOT A SPEEDING TICKET.

AND I WASN'T SPEEDING,IN MY OPINION.

UM...(laughter)

WHICH CAN CONTRADICT--ANYWAY.

SO WHAT THEY DOIS THEY GIVE YOU A TICKET.

THEY DON'T TELL YOUHOW MUCH THE FINE IS,

AND THEN YOU FILL IT OUTAND YOU MAIL IT BACK,

AND I WAS LIKE,"I DIDN'T DO IT."

AND THEN THEY MAILSOMETHING BACK,

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"YES, YOU DID."

AND THEN I WAS LIKE,"I DIDN'T."

AND THEN WHAT THEY DO IS THEYMAILED ME A PLEA BARGAIN.

AND ORIGINALLY IT WAS FOR DOING80 IN A 65-MILE-AN-HOUR ZONE.

BUT THEN THEY CHANGED IT

TO FAILURE TO COMPLYWITH A FLAG PERSON.

(laughter)

AND I CALLED THEM,AND I WAS LIKE,

"YOU CHANGED THE THING I DID."

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"YOU CAN RENT A CAR, DRIVE UP,

AND LOSE IN COURT,OR YOU CAN PAY THE FINE."

AND I WAS LIKE,"OKAY, I'LL PAY YOUR FINE."

BUT THEN I WROTE THEMA VERY ANGRY LETTER.

AND THE TWO THINGSYOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME

ARE ONE, I AM AFRAIDOF GUNS AND AUTHORITY,

AND TWO, I WAS BORN IN RUSSIAAND CAME HERE AS A LITTLE BOY,

AND IN RUSSIA, ALL YOU CAN EATARE BOWLS OF TEARS.

(laughter)

WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE,

THIS IS THE LETTER I WROTETO THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY.

"DEAR DISTRICT ATTORNEY,GOOD NEWS!

"I HAVE SIGNED THE PLEA BARGAINFOR MY SPEEDING TICKET.

"THANK YOU FOR LESSENINGMY CHARGE.

"HOWEVER, I AM CONFUSED.

"I PLED NOT GUILTYBECAUSE I WASN'T SPEEDING.

"AND THEN WERE LIKE,'OKAY.

"'HOW ABOUT THERE WAS A GUYIN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY

"'WAVING A FLAG,AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM?'

YOU AND I BOTH KNOWTHAT THERE WAS NO SUCH PERSON."

(laughter)

"THE PRAGMATIST IN ME,WHICH IS ALSO THE ACTUAL ME..."

(laughter)

"SIGNED YOUR STUPID DOCUMENTOF LIES

"TO PAY THE FINEAND BE DONE WITH IT.

"HOWEVER, THE IMMIGRANT IN METHAT CAME TO AMERICA

"TO SEEK A BETTER LIFEAND A JUST SOCIETY

IS A DISAPPOINTED IN YOU."

(laughter)

"SO IN THE INTERESTOF FAIRNESS,

I THINK YOU SHOULD A PLEABARGAIN I HAVE WRITTEN FOR YOU."

(laughter)

"'I, DISTRICT ATTORNEY,AM A DICKHEAD.'"

(laughter and applause)

"'WHEN I MAKE SOMEONEFALSELY SIGN A PLEA BARGAIN,

...SHOOTS OUT OF THE TOPOF MY HEAD.'"

(laughter)

"'BUT THEN I FEEL GUILTY,LIKE I WATCHED A BUNCH OF WOMEN

ONLINE GET TRICKED INTO...ON A BUS.'"

(laughter)

"THANK YOU FOR SIGNING THAT.

"FOR THE RECORD,I UNDERSTAND

"THAT IF IT WASA MORE SERIOUS CRIME,

"LIKE A DRUG DEALWHERE SOMEONE GOT SHOT,

"YOU WOULDN'T JUST MAKE UPA LESSER CHARGE

"LIKE POSSESSIONOF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE

PLUS FAILURE TO COMPLYWITH 10,000 FLAG PEOPLE!"

(laughter and applause)

Loading...