THE COUNTRY, BUT I THOUGHT
THEY WOULD PROBABLY TRY
SOMETHING SNEAKY.
YOU KNOW, BEFORE THEY JUST
LAUNCHED ON FULL-ON INVASION,
YOU KNOW?
WE'RE IN AMERICA.
WE'RE GOOD AT SNEAKY STUFF,
SOMETHING COVERT, YOU KNOW?
FIGURE IF THEY WERE GONNA
GO AFTER SADDAM, INSTEAD OF
LAUNCHING OUT A FULL INVASION
OF THE COUNTRY, START OUT BY
DOING SOMETHING LIKE BLOWING UP
GRACELAND.
[LAUGHTER]
EVERYBODY WITH ME HERE,
GRACELAND, ELVIS'S FORMER HOME,
RIGHT?
WE KNOW ELVIS IS DEAD, TOO.
YOU CAN BLOW UP GRACELAND.
ANYBODY BEEN THERE, 'CAUSE
HILLBILLIES SHOULD NEVER HAVE
CASH.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, GRACELAND IS SO TACKY,
PUERTO RICAN PEOPLE WALK OUT OF
THERE GOING, "THERE'S SOME
TACKY STUFFIN THERE."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND ELVIS IS DEAD.
WE ALL KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
'CAUSE, YEAH, 'CAUSE ELVIS'S
DAUGHTER MARRIED AND DIVORCED
MICHAEL JACKSON.
IF THAT WOULDN'T HAVE SNAPPED
ELVIS'S FAT ASS RIGHT OUT OF
HIDING, EVERYBODY...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
RIGHT?
I'M NO ANGELA LANSBURY, BUT...
[LAUGHTER]
ELVIS IS BASICALLY A REDNECK
FROM MISSISSIPPI.
IF HIS DAUGHTER MARRYING AND
DIVORCING A BLACK EFFEMINATE,
CROTCH-GRABBING, BABY-DANGLING,
CHILD-MOLESTING SOUL SINGER...
WOULDN'T PUT HIS
JUMPSUIT-WEARING BUTT RIGHT ON
60 MINUTES...
[LAUGHTER]
SO THAT'S ALL YOU'D HAVE TO DO
IS BLOW UP GRACELAND,
THEN PUT IT ON CNN THAT THE
IRAQIS DID IT.
YEAH, THEN YOU WOULDN'T NEED TO
SEND TROOPS OR DROP ANY BOMBS,
'CAUSE THE NEXT DAY YOU'D HAVE
10,000 GOOD OL' BOYS FROM THE
VOLUNTEER STATE OF TENNESSEE...
ZOOMING ACROSS THE PERSIAN
GULF...
IN BASS BOATS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THEY'D BE OUT THERE DOING
THAT...
[HIGH-PITCHED BOAT ENGINE SOUND]
[LAUGHTER]
"TRIM IT!
TRIM IT!"
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
JUST A BIG WHITE TRASH FLOTILLA.
BASS BOATS, WEARING FOOTBALL
HELMETS.
HITTING THE BEACHES WITH THOSE
ATV FOUR-WHEELERS, COUPLE OF
SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN'S DUCK TAPED
TO THE HANDLEBARS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BLOWING THROUGH THE COUNTRYSIDE,
"YOU DONE DONE IT NOW,
HAMPER HEAD!
YOU PICKED ON THE KING!
[LAUGHTER]
SOON AS I LOCATE YOU ON THIS
DEPTH FINDER, YOUR ASS IS MINE."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]