Greg Fitzsimmons - Fatherly Advice

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 12/28/1998
  • Views: 7,111

Always wear a condom. (2:41)

YOU KNOW,THAT MAGIC FEELING, AND I...

SO I ASKED MY FATHER.

I SAID, "DAD, IS...IS LOVE REAL?"

AND HE SAID, "NO...

"BUT HERPES IS,SO WATCH YOUR ASS."

AND I REMEMBER THINKING

WHY DID HE HAVETO TELL ME THAT THEN?

I REMEMBER STARING INTO HISBLISTERED FACE AND THINKING:

COULDN'T HE HAVE WAITED...?

( audience laughing hard )

BUT I THINK WHAT HE WAS SAYINGIS, ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM

AND THAT IS AN IMPORTANT LESSONTHAT YOU WANT TO TEACH YOUR SON.

'CAUSE IF YOUDON'T WEAR CONDOM

YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH EVERYPARTNER YOUR PARTNER EVER HAD

AND EVERY PARTNEREACH OF THOSE PARTNERS EVER HAD.

SO, THEORETICALLY,IF YOU HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN

WHO HAD SEX WITH A GUY, WHOSLEPT WITH YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND

THEORETICALLY, YOU COULDREALLY SCREW YOURSELF.

I THINK MY DAD JUST KIND OFHAD IT IN FOR ME.

HE JUST HAD THIS, LIKE,BIG GRUDGE.

APPARENTLY, HE LOST A LOTOF MONEY IN THE OFFICE POOL

WHEN I WAS BORN WHITE.

AND...

HOW IS THAT MY FAULT?

A LOT OF GUYS WANT A GIRLWHO'S PRETTY

AS THEIR GIRLFRIEND.

THEY WANT A GIRL WHO'S PRETTY

BUT DOESN'T KNOW SHE'S PRETTY.

THAT'S THE IDEAL GIRL

'CAUSE THAT ESSENTIALLY MEANSSHE'S PRETTY

BUT SHE LACKS SELF-ESTEEMSO THAT YOU'RE ABLE TO DATE HER.

YOU NEVER WANT A GIRLWHO FEELS GOOD ABOUT HERSELF

OR SHE'S NOT GOINGTO PUT UP WITH IT.

I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S, UH...

SHE'S A WONDERFUL GIRLAND I...

I'VE FINALLY BEEN ABLETO REALLY, LIKE, TRUST

AND HAVE INTIMACYWITH SOMEBODY

WHICH I'VE NEVERBEEN ABLE TO DO.

LIKE A LOT GUYS,I JUST HAVE A HARD TIME

GETTING REALLY THAT CONNECTED

AND, UH, WITH HER,I CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP

WITH HER IN MY ARMS...

( audience aahing )

...WHICH IS A BIG... YEAH.

SPOONS POSITION, RIGHT?

YEAH. WOMEN SMILE.THEY LOVE THE SPOONS.

YEAH. MEN... RATHER FORK.

FORKING IS...

YEAH.

AND SO, LAST WEEK,SHE WAS ASLEEP IN MY ARMS

AND I WAS AWAKE AND I WASJUST KIND OF LOOKING AT HER

AND-AND THINKINGABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVED HER

AND HOW LUCKY I WAS

THAT... AND I GUESSKIND OF PROUD OF MYSELF

THAT I HAD TRUSTED SOMEBODYTHIS MUCH

AND ALLOWED THEMTO BE THIS... THIS CLOSE

AND SHE FARTED.

AND ALL THE TRUST WAS GONE...EVERYTHING...

AND I DIDN'T SMELL ITOR HEAR IT

OR ANYTHING GROSS LIKE THAT.

IT WAS JUST LIKEA HOT BREATH ON MY THIGH.

( laughter )

AND I WOKE HER UP...

"COULD YOU NEVER DO THAT AGAIN?

"LET'S PRETEND WE STILLRESPECT EACH OTHER, OKAY?

"I'LL BE ON THE COUCHFOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS.

"WHY DON'T YOUHOP IN THE SHOWER

MAYBE THROWSOME FRESH PANTIES ON?"

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