Jim David - Pets

  • Season 4 , Ep 2
  • 12/10/2000
  • Views: 8,247

There was a time when drugs were healthy. (2:19)

IT MAKES SENSE THAT I WORK

IN NIGHTCLUBS BECAUSE WHEN

I WAS A KID OUR HOME HAD A

2-DRINK MINIMUM.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I MAKE FUN OF MY FAMILY,

BUT I LOVE 'EM.

YOU KNOW, THE THING ABOUT YOUR

FAMILY IS YOU'RE CONNECTED

FOREVER BY BLOOD RELATION

TO A GROUP OF FOLKS WHO ARE

REALLY NOT YOUR KIND OF PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

SO MANY YOUNG PEOPLE.

LOOK AT-- LOOK AT YOU.

I COULD BE YOUR DADDY.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(MOUTHING) THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

I DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN,

BECAUSE I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY

PATIENCE FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.

EVEN WHEN I WAS IN KINDERGARTEN

I WAS GOING, "WHO ARE THESE

CHILDREN?

(LAUGHTER)

GOD, I NEED A COCKTAIL."

I HAVE A CAT.

THAT'S ENOUGH.

I HAVE AN AUTISTIC CAT.

HE CAN'T FIND THE LITTER BOX,

BUT HE CAN FLY.

(LAUGHTER)

I HAVE A GAY DOG.

MM-HMM.

HE BARKS LIKE PAUL LYNDE.

WHOOF.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M JUST IN A SILLY MOOD.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON DRUGS.

I REALLY DO.

I'M A FORMER HIPPIE.

I DID DRUGS BACK WHEN THEY WERE

HEALTHY.

(LAUGHTER)

THE ONLY TIME I EVER DID LSD,

I WAS AT DISNEYWORLD.

I DIDN'T GO THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT CAME TO ME.

I WAS SNOW WHITE.

I WAS THE ONE AT THE PARTY THAT

GOT SENT TO THE 7-ELEVEN TO PICK

OUT THE MUNCHIES.

SO AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR OF

WALKING AROUND THE STORE,

I ENDED UP AT THE COUNTER

WITH A CAN OF PEACHES AND

A JETSENS' COLORING BOOK.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN I SAID TO THE GUY,

"WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE?"

(LAUGHTER)

HE SAID, "YEAH.

GET OFF THE COUNTER."

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