Pete Holmes - Being Single

Pete Holmes: Nice Try, The Devil Season 1, Ep 1 05/12/2013 Views: 10,727

After a lifetime of being coupled up, Pete Holmes is trying to be a single and self-reliant man. (1:12)

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- So I'm a single man.

I am the only man up here.


I'm a single man.

I've never really been singlebefore.

It's new.It's interesting.

It's not because I'm so,"I can't stop getting it wet,"

you know?


You ever offend yourself?

I just offended myself.

"I can't stop getting it wet"?Ugh.


It's not because of that.

It's because for the past,whatever, decade

I've been sexually active--I've never said that before.

"For the past decadethat I've been sexually active."

What, am I showing youa slideshow?

1950s high school?

This is a penis.Okay, here we go.

For my whole life,if I sleep with a girl,

I date herfor a year and a half.

That's how it works.She's not even aware of it.

I'm like, "I'm your boyfriend!"

That's how it works.

And I thoughtI'd give that a break.

I was like,let's see what happens

if I'm a self-reliant man,

and I will be a single man.

And I like it.

It's a give and a take.

The give,you can do whatever you want.

There's no little girlthere to be like,

"[bleep] stop it,knucklehead."

They're not there.

You can be like, I'm gonna shavewith Miracle Whip.

You'll be surprisedhow far you get.

You're just like, zesty.And it worked.

Downside: I choke on my soup,I die alone.