Darrell Hammond - Rules Committee

  • Season 4 , Ep 1
  • 12/03/2000
  • Views: 5,567

There's a rules committee in every marriage, and chances are you're not on it. (3:07)

A GALAXY-WIDE REPUTATIONFOR SUCKING

CALLED "ALABAMA".

AND NOT FROM ONE OFTHE GOOD PARTS.

I'M FROM ONE OF THOSE PLACESWHERE THE WHOLE NUMBER SYSTEM

CONSISTS OF "ONE", "TWO"AND "A ( bleep )-LOAD".

THE SOUTH IS WHERE I MARRIEDAND DIVORCED.

I'M AFRAID OF WOMENSINCE MY DIVORCE.

THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMANON THE TRAIN TONIGHT.

I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHINGINTELLIGENT TO HER.

WHAT ENDED UP COMING OUTOF MY MOUTH WAS,

( childish )"SO, HOW LONG HAVE YOUBEEN ON THE CHOO-CHOO ?"

Y'KNOW, YOU TALK ABOUTA CRAPPY PICKUP LINE...

"HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEENON THE CHOO-CHOO ?"

I MIGHT AS WELLHAVE JUST SAID,

( "Schwarzenegger" )"IF YOU STRUGGLE, IT WILLONLY MAKE IT HARDER."

"THE CHOO-CHOO."

THIS LOVE THING IS HARD.

MY PARENTS ARE MARRIED46 YEARS,

THEY LOOK TERRIFIC.

I WAS MARRIEDJUST UNDER AN HOUR...

I ALREADY LOOKED LIKEA BURGLAR, TOO.

MY FRIENDS COME OVER,"DARRELL, HOW ARE YOU ?"

I SAY, "SHH !

"SHE'S RIGHT IN THERE.

"DON'T TOUCH THAT TOWEL,DON'T TOUCH THAT--

OHH !"

NOW, IF YOU LAUGHAT THAT AT ALL,

YOU MUST KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKETO DROP A TOWEL ON THE FLOOR

AND HEAR AN ALARM GO OFF...

BECAUSE YOUBROKE A RULE.

THE KIND OF RULEWHICH EXISTS ONLY

IN A HOUSE FULL OF LOVE.

YES, THERE YOU'LL FINDRULES FOR THE BATHROOM,

RULES FOR THE KITCHEN,

RULES FOR THE SWEET 'N LOWDISPENSER.

"HEY, THAT STACK OFDISHES IN THE SINK,

HOW LONG CAN THEYSTAY THERE ?"

YOU'D BETTER KNOW.

'CAUSE SOMEBODY KNOWS.

BUT SINCE THERE'S ONLY TWO OFYOU ON THE RULES COMMITTEE...

HOW MUCH YOU WANNA BETIT AIN'T YOU ?

YOU DON'T GET DIVORCED'CAUSE THE THRILL IS GONE.

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOWHOW TO STACK THE TAPES RIGHT

UNDERNEATH THE V.C.R.

OR YOU PUT THE SPOON IN THE FORKSLOT OF THE SILVERWARE DRAWER

AFTER HAVING BEENREPEATEDLY WARNED !

MY EX TRIED HARD,

BUT IN THE ENDTHE HOLE IN HER MOUTH

WAS NO LONGER BIG ENOUGHFOR ALL OF THE TOPICS

TO COME OUT AT ONE TIME.

SHE'D YELL AT ME,

IT WAS LIKE BEING YELLED ATBY AN AUCTIONEER.

LIKE, "DARRELL,DAMN IT !

( auctioneer gibberish )

I'M NOT SAYING I DIDN'TLOVE THE SARGE, OKAY ?

MY WIFE READ EVERY BOOKTHERE WAS ON MARRIAGE.

SHE'D FINISH WITH A BOOK,I'D CATCH A BEATIN'.

WHY ?

APPARENTLY I'M INEVERY BOOK.

I DON'T KNOW HOWTHAT COULD HAPPEN,

BUT IF YOU GO TOANY BOOKSTORE,

LOOK AT ANY BOOKON MARRIAGE,

YOU'LL SEE AT LEASTONE PHOTO OF ME

ABOUT TO PUT AN ICE TRAY WITHONLY ONE ICE CUBE LEFT IN IT

BACK INTOTHE REFRIGERATOR.

WITH AN ATTACHED AUDIO CASSETTEOF MY WIFE GOING--

( auctioneer gibberish )

Loading...