Paul F. Tompkins - Jazz Is Lousy

  • Season 7 , Ep 6
  • 03/13/2002
  • Views: 13,654

The only purpose jazz serves is making people feel stupid. (2:35)

Paul F. Tompkins: I DON'T LIKE

JAZZ MUSIC AND I DON'T LIKE IT

ON BEHALF OF YOU, THE COMMON,

STUPID PERSON.

HERE'S WHY.

HOLD ON, YOU'RE PRETTY DUMB.

HERE'S WHY.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE JAZZ IS ALL ABOUT MAKING

THE COMMON MAN FEEL DUMB.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S A BUNCH A GUYS ALL PLAYING

DIFFERENT SONGS AT THE SAME

TIME.

IT'S JUST A RACKET.

♪ (SCAT SINGING) ♪

IT'S JUST NOISE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE A WHOLE GENRE OF MUSIC

IS DEFYING YOU TO LIKE IT,

YOU KNOW?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAN?

DON'T YOU GET OUR SMART PEOPLE'S

MUSIC?

MAYBE YOU'RE TOO DUMB, DUMMY.

IT'S THE NOTES WE'RE NOT

PLAYING.

WHAT?

THIS DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY

SENSE.

THAT'S A TRICK.

CLEARLY IT'S A TRICK.

(APPLAUSE)

LET'S SAY YOU GO TO SEE SOME

LIVE JAZZ MUSIC.

AND IF YOU DO, I'M SORRY.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

BUT LET'S SAY YOU LOSE A BET

OR WHATEVER.

YOU FALL DOWN SOME STAIRS

INTO A JAZZ CLUB.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT?

SO YOU GOT THESE GUYS ON STAGE

AND IT'S HORRIBLE.

LIKE THE STAND UP BASS PLAYER,

HE'S DOING A SOLO.

HMM.

HOORAY.

AND HE'S GOING ON AND ON.

♪ (MIMICKING PLAYING BASS) ♪

SO YOU DON'T EVEN NEED

THE THING.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

AND JUST AT THE POINT WHERE

YOU'RE ALMOST ASLEEP, RIGHT?

THEN YOU THINK, 'CAUSE YOU'RE

LULLED INTO THE RHYTHM,

YOU THINK THE GUYS GOING TO GO

BOW!

BUT INSTEAD HE GOES BOOOOOW.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

THIS IS THE WORST THING JAZZ

GUYS DO.

WHEN THAT HAPPENS, INSTEAD

OF GOING BOW, HE GOES BOW.

THE OTHER JAZZ GUYS ON STAGE,

THEY ALL START LAUGHING.

THEY START LAUGHING LIKE IT WAS

THE FUNNIEST THING THEY EVER DID

SEE.

OH, OH.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

AND YOU'RE IN THE AUDIENCE

SAYING; "I DON'T GET THE JAZZ

JOKE."

WHY IS THAT NOTE SO HILARIOUS?

YOU'VE PLAYED MANY NOTES THIS

EVENING.

NONE PARTICULARLY SIDE

SPLITTING.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

BECAUSE HUMOR, INHERENTLY,

IF SOMETHING IS INHERENTLY

FUNNY, IT'S RELATABLE AFTER

THE FACT.

ANYBODY WHO SAYS, "YOU HAD TO BE

THERE", SHOULD JUST NOT HAVE

TOLD YOU THE THING IN THE FIRST

PLACE 'CAUSE THEN IT'S NOT

FUNNY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WASN'T THERE.

IF IT WAS FUNNY, I WOULDN'T HAVE

TO BE THERE.

DON'T YOU TELL ME WHERE I HAVE

TO BE, DON'T MAKE ME PUT MY BABY

DOWN.

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