Greg Behrendt - Plug in the Mug

  • Season 2 , Ep 4
  • 04/14/2011
  • Views: 6,204

In your 20s, people are proud of you for losing weight. But in your 40s, they're just concerned. (4:28)

I HAD A PRETTY GOOD YEARLAST YEAR.

I LOST LIKE 25 POUNDS, AND--

(applause)THAT'S NICE.NO, THAT'S NICE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD,WHEN YOU ARE IN YOUR 20s

AND YOUR 30s AND YOU DROPSOME WEIGHT, PEOPLE NOTICE.

THEY'RE NICE ABOUT IT.

THEY'RE LIKE,"HEY, MAN, YOU LOOK GOOD.

"YOU PUT THE PLUG IN THE MUG,YOU STOPPED EATING THE BISCUITS.

YOU LOOK AWESOME, MAN."THEY'RE PROUD OF YOU, YOU KNOW?

BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR 40s,AND YOU LOSE WEIGHT,

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"YOU DOING ALL RIGHT?"

(laughter)

"HUH?YOU DOING ALL RIGHT?"

"YEAH, YEAH, I'M DOING GOOD.I LOST SOME WEIGHT."

"DID YOU?YOU LOOK A LITTLE SALLOW."

"SALLOW? SALLOW?""YEAH, A LITTLE PEAKED."

"PEAKED?""YOUR EYES ARE ALL BUGGY."

"NO, MAN, I LOST SOME WEIGHT.I FEEL GOOD, MAN.

"I JUST STOPPED PUTTINGSO MUCH FOOD IN MY MOUTH."

"'CAUSE YOU COULDN'TKEEP IT DOWN?"

"NO.""'CAUSE OF THE TREATMENTS?"

"THE TREATMENTS?WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"NO, MAN,WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

"I GOT MYSELF--I STARTED RUNNING."

"YEAH, FROM THE TRUTH'CAUSE YOU HAVE AIDS?"

"NO.WHERE WOULD I GET AIDS?

I DON'T EVEN HAVETHAT MUCH FUN."

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED--CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR,

I'M GOING TO A PARTYWITH MY WIFE.

I'M IN MY BATHROOM.HERE'S WHY I LOST WEIGHT.

I'M CRUISING ACROSSTHE BATHROOM,

WE GOTA CABINET MIRROR OPEN.

I GOT A MIRROR HERE,AND I CATCH AN ANGLE.

YOU EVER DO THAT,YOU SEE AN ANGLE ON YOURSELF

THAT YOU DON'T NORMALLY SEE

'CAUSE YOUR HEAD'S NOT TORN OFFAND SITTING ON A TABLE?

(laughter)

RIGHT?AND I SEE AN ANGLE.

AND IT'S JUST QUICK.IT'S JUST A MOMENT.

I HAVE THIS MOMENT.I HAVE TWO THOUGHTS.

MY FIRST THOUGHT IS,"FAT GHOST."

(laughter)LIKE, OH--

OH, MY GOD, MY BATHROOMIS HAUNTED BY A SAD,

FAT, OLD--WITH BACK FAT,LIKE, BACK FAT,

LIKE A DRIPPY,LIKE A FAT AVALANCHE

OVER--THE WAISTBANDOF THE UNDERPANT.

THERE'S NO ASS ANYMORE'CAUSE I'M 40.

SO IT'S JUST THE UNDERPANTSGOING, "NO!"

AND THERE'S FATJUST CASCADING,

BACON JIGGLEALL THE WAY DOWN THE BACK.

SO THAT'S MY FIRST THOUGHTIS "FAT GHOST."

AND THENMY SECOND THOUGHT IS,

"OH, MY GOD, MY WIFEHAS TO (bleep) THAT GUY."

LIKE, HOW SAD, LIKE I THOUGHTSHE TURNED THE LIGHTS OFF

'CAUSE SHE WAS SHY.

(laughter)SO...

I WAS LIKE,I GOT TO GET BEHIND--

I GOT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT.I GOT TO TAKE SOME WEIGHT OFF.

'CAUSE I DO,I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD.

I JUST WANT TOBE ABLE TO GO--

I CALL IT"THE FULL McCONAUGHEY."

I JUST WANT TO BE ABLETO GO SHIRTLESS.

I'M NOT SAYING--I'M JUST SAYING HE'S A GUY

THAT'S COMFORTABLEWITHOUT A SHIRT ON.

HE'LL JUST TAKE A SHIRT OFFFOR NO REASON.

HE'LL BE AT A PREMIERE,

HE'LL TAKE HIS SHIRTAND HIS SHOES OFF.

HE'S LIKE A MONKEY.

HE'S JUST WALKING AROUNDPLAYING A BONGO,

RIDING A BICYCLEWITH LANCE ARMSTRONG.

HE DOESN'T CARE.HE'S JUST SHIRTLESS.

HE'S JUST DOING IT.

HE'S OUT THEREJUST RIPPED UP, YOU KNOW,

JUST TORE UP.

HIS ABS OUT THERE, YOU KNOW,RIPPED LIKE JESUS.

YOU'VE SEEN IT.YOU KNOW JESUS WAS RIPPED.

YOU'VE SEEN THE PHOTOS,YOU'RE IN A CHURCH.

HE'S UP THERE, YOU KNOW,THE SERMON'S LONG,

YOU FINALLY LOOK UP,YOU'RE LIKE, "WOW.

"TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT."

(laughter)

"OBLIQUES, MAN."

MUST HAVE BEEN NICE,JESUS WALKING AROUND THE DESERT

BEING ABLE TO GETTHAT LOINCLOTH IN A 28.

(laughter)CAN I GET THAT IN A 28?

COME ON, JESUS,YOU KNOW THEY'RE ONLY--

THEY'RE ONE SIZE FITS ALL.COME ON, MAN.

(laughter)

BE ABLE TO--YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M NOT--

EVEN HE'S CONFIDENT.I'M NOT CONFIDENT.

LIKE, I STILL--I'VE LOST 25 POUNDS.

I STILL SHOWER IN A SWEATER.LIKE, I CAN'T--

(laughter)

EVEN IF I DID GO SHIRTLESS,THE ONLY WAY I CAN DO IT

IS IF IT PRETENDEDI WAS LOOKING FOR A SHIRT.

YOU KNOW, I COULD DO IT,BUT I HAVE TO BE LIKE,

"HAS ANY ONE SEENMY SHIRT AT ALL?"

"ANYBODY SEEN--

ANYBODY SEEN A SHIRT AT ALL,I LOST?"

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ELSEABOUT McCONAUGHEY THAT I LIKE.

IT'S HIS WAY OF BEINGIN THE WORLD.

HE HAS A SENSE OF CONFIDENCE,A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

HE DOESN'T CAREWHAT YOU THINK, LIKE--

McCONAUGHEY MAKES TWO KINDSOF MOVIES, (bleep) AND AWFUL,

AND HE DOESN'T CARE,AND WE STILL LIKE HIM.

AND WE KEEP GOING RIGHT?HE DOESN'T CARE.

AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT'S THE SECRET TO HIS SUCCESS?

WHAT IS ITTHAT HE HAS THAT I DON'T?

AND THEN I DIDTHE CONAN O 'BRIEN SHOW,

AND HE WAS ON THE SHOWAS WELL.

AND I SAW HIM STANDINGIN THE HALLWAY.

WHEN McCONAUGHEY IS STANDING--WHEN McCONAUGHEY IS STANDING,

HE STANDS LIKE THIS.

HE TIPS IT OUT.HE BRINGS IT FORWARD.

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?HE LEADS IN HERE.

HE BRINGS THIS TO YOUFIRST.

WHAT HE DOES IS HE ALLOWS HIS(bleep) TO ENTER THE ROOM FIRST

TO ANNOUNCE THE ARRIVALOF HIS FACE.

(laughter and applause)

MR. McCONAUGHEYWILL BE COMING SOON.

PLEASE ENJOY ABDOMINAL MUSCLESTILL HIS FACE ARRIVES.

(laughter)

Loading...