Daniel Tosh - Speed Bumps

Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Season 1, Ep 101 03/06/2011 Views: 67,703

A speed bump might not be the best way for parents to remember their daughter. (2:15)

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A LITTLE GIRL WAS KILLEDIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD RECENTLY.

WHICH IS SAD,BUT IT HAPPENS,

NOT USUALLY IN WHITENEIGHBORHOODS, BUT IT HAPPENS.

I THINK THERE'S A PIE CHARTTHAT PROVES THAT SOMEWHERE.

SMALL SLIVER, SAFER.

SHE WAS KILLED ON A STREET

WHERE PEOPLE HAD BEENCOMPLAINING FOR YEARS

THAT CARS DRIVE TOO FAST.

SO REACTIVE IN NATUREAS EVERYONE IS,

AFTER THE HORRIBLE ACCIDENT,

THEY HAD A BUNCHOF SPEED BUMPS PUT IN.

AND I THOUGHT, "WOW, WHATA HORRIBLE WAY FOR THEIR FAMILY

TO REMEMBER EVERY TIMETHEY DRIVE DOWN THAT ROAD."

BA-BOOM.[whimpers]

"NATALIE!

"YOUR MOTHER AND I MISS YOUSO MUCH.

"BUT YOU ARE REALLY DOINGA NUMBER ON OUR SUSPENSION.

"NO, HONEY, I TOLD YOUWE SHOULD HAVE LEASED THIS CAR.

"EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE,SHE MAKES US FIGHT.

GOOD RIDDANCE."

YEAH, YOU SEEWHAT HAPPENED THERE?

IN THE BEGINNINGOF THIS MADE-UP STORY,

YOU FELT BAD FOR THE FAMILY.

NOW, AT THE END,YOU REALIZE

THEY WEREN'T FIT PARENTSTO BEGIN WITH.

WE'VE ALL GROWN.

LET'S MOVE ONTO SOME NONFICTION.

DO YOU REMEMBER

WHEN THAT KID WAS KILLEDAT SIX FLAGS,

HAD HIS HEAD CUT OFFBY THE ROLLER COASTER?

OH, MAN, THE FIRST THINGTHAT WENT THROUGH MY MIND

WAS, "WOW, HOW AM I GONNAMAKE THIS FUNNY FOR EVERYBODY?"

HERE GOES.

IF YOU DON'T REMEMBERTHE STORY,

HE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP.HE WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

HIS HAT BLEW OFF.

AFTER THE RIDE WAS OVER,

HE'S LIKE,"I'M GONNA GO GET MY HAT."

AND THERE WAS A BIG FENCEWITH SIGNS ON IT

THAT PROBABLY SAID,"HEY, CUT YOUR LOSSES."

AND HE'S LIKE,"WHAT?

"HAVE YOU SEEN MEIN THAT HAT?

NOT TODAY, FENCE."

AND HE WENT OVER IT.

AND THERE WAS A SECOND FENCEWITH MORE SIGNS.

LIKE,"COME ON, KNOCK IT OFF."

HE'S LIKE, "YOU CAN'T TELL MEHOW TO LIVE, SIGNS."

AND HE WENT OVER THAT FENCE.

AND ON THE OTHER SIDE,THE STORY ENDS.

DID HE GET THE HAT?I'D LIKE TO THINK HE DID.

RIGHT?A SMALL SILVER LINING.

LIKE, "I TOLD YOUI'D GET IT."

AND THEN WHACK,RIGHT THEN.

AND I KNOWHE WAS ON A CHURCH YOUTH GROUP,

AND THEY DON'T BELIEVEIN EVOLUTION,

BUT THAT KID WAS GETTINGPICKED OFF SOONER OR LATER.

YEAH.

[laughter and applause]