Sean Patton - Cumin - Uncensored

Karma 04/12/2016 Views: 7,860

When Sean Patton moved in with his first roommate, he took a joke way too far and got some karmic retribution. (18:10)

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- I didn't even say anything.

I just leanedout of the kitchen...

Showed him the jar...

And right there,next to his girl, he's all--

[giggling]

"Fuck you."

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,

and today, all the storiesare about karma.

[cheers and applause]

A veteran of the show.You guys have seen him.

If you've seen the YouTubeclips, you've seen this guy.

He's absolutely hilarious.I'm glad he's back.

Please give it upfor my friend and yours,

Mr. Sean Patton, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- My first-ever apartmentwas in New Orleans

in the year 2002.

My roommate and Ipaid $535 even.

Not individually.

One lump sum,

all utilities included.

A two-bedroom, two-bath,

two-balcony apartment.

And I still remember, like,

confronting our landlord,

like, "Hey, can you shave offthat extra $5?

Give us a chance to survive?"

And I--we mo--I moved in--

I think everyone's firstroommate is a friend.

Mine was not; I wentto high school with this guy.

Didn't really know him.

We moved inin the morning,

'cause it was all his shit.

Nothing was mine.

or is that roommate,

like, you got the couch.

You have the TV;you have the table.

I have the mattressand the box

that I will reuse.

But the previous tenanthad left us a gift, okay?

Now, by a round of applause,who is not familiar

with what is knownas Tony Chachere's?

Not familiar, no.

Tony Chachere's--it's a creole spice.

It's, like, a Louisiana,

New Orleans versionof an Old Bay.

It's a--you put, you know,

you put it on a old tennis shoe,

and make it taste likea filé gumbo.

You know what I'm saying, y'all?

You put iton a rubber band sandwich,

make it tastelike a shrimp po' boy.

Montalayo.

[laughs]

Jeez, I can't...

side note--wait, let's putthe story aside for a second.

That's a really fuckingannoying thing

about beingfrom southern Louisiana,

is people are like,"But where's your accent?"

Like they want you to--

"Oh, man, I tell--boy, I tell you,

"the other day,I went down there gator huntin',

"and I cut me open a alligator,

"and it--its tummy wasfull of crawdads.

"It was full of crawdads

"that were hidin'from Hurricane Katrina.

"I was like, that storm donegone all the crawdads,

"and then that gatorcame back to life,

"bit my hand offlike I was Captain Hook.

"Jesus, I had to drive to--

"I had to drive to the hospitalwith no hand, drinkin' beers,

"and the sheriff donepulled me over on a boat.

"He pulled me overon a damn boat.

"I said, 'Sheriff, how you gotthat boat on land?'

"He said, 'I didn't. You gotyour truck in the water.'

[scoffs] Laissez les bon temps rouler."

[chuckles]

I'm disappointed too.

I wish I spoke like that.

Truthfully, a trueNew Orleans accent

just sounds like--take a fuckin' East Coast guy,

"Why you askin' where I'm from?

Why is it your business?I'm from Hoboken."

Take that guy,

give him a Valium.

"Now you gota New Orleans accent.

"I don't rememberwhere I'm from.

"What's a Hoboken?

You can fish on it?"

All right, back to the story.

So the previous tenantleft behind a gift for us.

It wasn't Tony Chachere's.

I just like talkingabout that stuff.

It's delicious.

But it was a spice.

He left behinda jar of cumin.

Right, cumin.You know it.

It's very com--if--if you ever had a curry

or a chili--it's--if you--if you've tasted chili,

you've tasted cumin.

And here's a little secret:if you--if you're broke,

and you got a hot dog,but you can't afford a chili,

just sprinkle some cuminon that hot dog.

It'll make it tasteexactly like

you rolled it in dirt.

It's not a goodstand-alone spice at all.

It really isn't.

That's probably whyhe left it behind.

But upon discovering that jar,

I said to my new roommate,

"Hey, look at this big-ass jarof 'come-in.'"

It's spelled c-u-m-i-n,

and I know how it's pronounced,

but first of all,'come-in.'

It's, like, an ejaculation joke,

and I was in my early 20s,

when ejaculation jokeswere very funny.

Now, in my 30s,

ejaculation jokesare extremely funny.

They've gotten funnier.

But also,one of my favorite gags

is to purposefullymispronounce things,

because I love rousingthe grammar dragons.

[growling]

Gnash your teeth,grammar dragon.

"Hey, look at thisbig-ass jar of 'come-in.'"

I expected him to,you know, worst-case,

be like, "Shut up.It's pronounced cumin."

Or who knows?

Best case, now we gota new inside joke

between roommates

that we can havefor the next six months

unless we extend our leaseto a year.

You know how it goes.

So I said it.

"Hey, look at this big-ass jarof 'come-in,'"

and he goes, "What?

"What?

"It's cumin!

"God damn it.It's cumin.

Don't say that shit."

Exactly.

I was like, "Oh."

Whom did I just move in with?

And now, I was obsessedwith that moment,

and before I knew it,it was lunchtime,

and he ordered a Hawaiian pizza,

and I was like, "Oh.

"Hawaiian pizza.

"You know what's delicious

"when you put iton Hawaiian pizza?

Some 'come-in.'"

And right away,like clockwork,

"Seriously? Don't fuckingsay that to me again.

"It's cumin.

You say it right,or you don't say it."

And then, "Grow up."

And I was like,"Well, now I'm never

going to grow up, am I?"

You just Peter Pan-ed me.

I am a boy for life.

Later--later that day,his girlfriend comes over.

It's, like, evening time.

The--it's her first timein the new apartment.

They're sharing a pintof ice cream,

and I didn't even--I didn't even say anything.

I just leanedout of the kitchen...

Showed him the jar...

And right there,next to his girl, he's all--

[giggling]

"Fuck you."

And she's, of course,like, "Huh? What?"

And he explained it.

"He thinks it's funnyto pronounce cumin 'come-in.'"

And then she starts laughing.

Because she hasa sense of humor.

And then he turns on her,like, "God damn it.

"That's not funny!

It's cumin!"

And he's yelling,

and I didn't see much of her

after that.

And I had to leave,because their fight

got pretty loudand pretty awkward.

And I went out drinkingwith friends,

and we're--I'm like,"You got to see this.

You got to see this shit."

And I bring them backto the apartment.

It's, like, 3:30 in the morning.

I'm like, "Welcometo the new digs, fellas.

"Can I offer you...

some Ritz Crackersand 'come-in'?"

And like clockwork,he comes out of his room.

"Hey!What the fuck?

"It's cumin.

Say it.Say it."

And we're all laughingour ass off, and he's like,

"I fucking hopeyou all die one day."

Well, we will.

Nice one.

Nice one, man.

And all he had to do

was just not reactjust once,

and I'd have forgotten about it,

but now I had no choice.

I was having dreams

about how I was gonnamess with him.

And so the next morning,we're both up early.

Our new--our first dayin the new apartment,

first morning, okay?

He's up early,'cause he was still in class--

in school--he hadto go to class.

I'm up early to go to work,

and he's sitting downto a fresh plate

of scrambled eggs,

and I was like, "Hey."

"You knowwhat would be delicious

on those scrambled eggs?"

And he gives me a look

that I can only describeas murder fuck.

It's a look you give someone

when you want to murder them

and then sexually violatetheir dead body

so their soulcan't go to heaven.

Murder fuck.

It looks like...[growling]

So he gives me that look.

[growling]

So I know I can't say "come-in."

Got to throwa knuckleball at him,

so I said,"Some Tony Chachere's.

I bought some last night.It's in the kitchen."

And then, he went from, like...[growling]

To "Ah."

Smiling, because that's whata Tony Chachere

make you do, baby.

It's so delicious.[laughs]

You put it on a crazy person,

turn him into a friend.

[laughs]

Enchanté.

And now, he is in the kitchen,digging around,

and I hear him openingand closing all the cabinets.

He's like, "Where is it?"

"Oh, it's--uh, it's in the--it's in the cabinet."

"Which one?"

"The one abovethe George Foreman grill."

"Where?I can't find it."

"It's in the top part.

There."

"Where?"

"Behind the 'come-in.'"

And what normally followedthat word,

as I established,

was a fit of rage.

Only this time,that's not what happened.

This time, it was total silence,

which was scary.

'Cause after a while,I was like,

"Oh, God, am I gonnawalk in there

"and find him just on the ground

"with his wrists slit?

Bleeding it out."

Like, "You went too far.

"You went too far.

"It's pronounced cumin,

and now you'll never forget."

[groaning]

"Oh, Lord, I'm come..."

[applause]

Thankfully, no,that's not what happened.

Instead, he comes out,holding the jar,

staring me down

with the hatredof a thousand men,

and then throws it at me,

'cause he just didn't--it--it was--it was like

he just released too early,

and it bounced off the walland just landed,

like, right therebetween us on the carpet,

and I look up at him,and he's now crying.

Hatred.Hatred tears.

You can tellwhen they're hatred tears,

'cause they're boilingwith rage,

and they evaporate mid-cheek.

And he says,"I'm--I'm going to class,

and then I'm fuckingmoving out,"

and he storms off.

Now, I had just been attacked

for no reason.

First order of businessin that moment

was to eat those scrambled eggs.

They were fresh,and I was hungry,

and I doused 'emwith that Tony's.

It was right thereby the microwave.

I'm surprised he didn't find it.

Second order of business,

call into work sick.

I couldn't bus tables.

I was traumatized.

I couldn't handle silverwarein that mental state.

Third order of business,

a little well-deserved R and R.

Plop down on the couch--

his couch, mind you.

Turn the TV on--his TV.

Didn't know if any of that stuff

was gonna be thereby the end of the day.

I'm watching TV--oh, look,

a "Saved by the Bell" marathon.

Oh, wow, season three,

while they're at the MalibuSands Beach Resort.

Oh, they're in bikinis.

Well, I've earned this.

A little release.

And there I am,furiously masturbating

on his couch,watching his TV,

and right as I near climax,

that jar catches my eye.

It's still laying thereon the ground,

and now--I--that's why I was in this moment,

so it was like a lover to me,

and I exclaimed,"Oh, 'come-in,'"

right as I began...[chuckles]

Comin'.

And I shouted it,

so the furniture would knowwhat was going on.

And then the front doorswung open,

and there's a UPS delivery guystanding there...

Holding a package.

Sees me holding my package,

and says, "Oh, fuck no,"

and slams that door.

Couple of things.

Yes, he caught me masturbating.

Fine.

But he scared me,frightened me,

and it happened rightas I began orgasming.

Have you ever been frightened

right as you begin to come?

Oh, man, is it great.

Oh, man,

is it so badass.

Just--oh,

it's so much semen.

Spew forth from my loins.

I don't know what happens.

Maybe your brain senses danger,

and orders a mandatoryfull evacuation

of your testicles.

Run, evacuate, go.

Save the seed.The mother ship is in danger.

There was so much.

And then I just had to sitthere quietly, like,

"Is he still--is he still there?

Oh, God."

And I finally wentand looked out of the peephole,

and yep, he's standing there,

sort of swaying,

and I was like, "God damn it."

So I lit a cigarette.

Thought it would make me lookmore badass--lit a cigarette.

I'm like, "Okay, let's do it,"and I open the door,

and right away, he's like,

"Listen, I'm not intono goddamn gay shit.

"I got a wife;I got a family,

and you're too young."

I know, right?Why--why--what's that for?

But now, I'm defensive.

Puffing on my cigarette,like, "Hey, man.

"It's a fuckingprivate apartment.

"Why don't you try knocking?

You ever heard of knocking?"

And then he doesn't sayanything, and angrily goes,

"I didn't knock,because you said 'Come in.'"

"Because you said,'Come in.'"

[cheers and applause]

That's the kind of coincidencethat made man invent God.

If I were a religious person,

that would have beenmy mind-set--like, well,

the Lord clearly does not wantme touching myself.

Thus why he sentthis brave soldier

to interrupt me whilst doingthe devil's diddle.

Like, I couldn't stop--like, in that moment,

like, he was about to knock.

I didn't say "Come in."

I was--I was--having sex with a spice.

I said, "Oh, comin',"

which sounds exactlylike "Oh, come in."

Gee--all I could think aboutin that moment was my roommate.

Like, he's right.

I should have pronounced itcorrectly.

If I'd have been like,"Oh, cumin."

He'd have heard that and beenlike, "What'd he say?

Oh, cu--I should knock."

And I would later find out,by the way,

the reason my roommategot so pissed

is because his--his childhoodpet was a cocker spaniel

named Cumin.

And so when I said, "come-in,"

it reminded him of Cumin,

and he got sadthat I was mispronouncing it.

Fuck you.

And then this UPS guy, he slamsthis clipboard in my chest.

He's like, "You haveto sign for it,"

and now, I'm just backpedaling.

I'm like, "Look, I thoughtyou were my girlfriend,"

and he interrupts me;he's like,

"You ain't got no damngirlfriend."

"You're right.I do not."

And then he gives methe package,

says "Have a nice day,"and then finally I looked--

finally looked at the package.It wasn't addressed to me.

It was not addressedto my roommate.

It was addressed to who I assumewas the previous tenant,

so that meantit was addressed to me now.

And I open it

and almost collapse

at what I see before me.

Can you guess?

- Cumin.- No.

It was a spice rack.

If the previous momentmade me believe in God,

that made me believe that God

is capable of bragging.

Thank you guys very much.

[cheers and applause]