I, uh... move that over here.
but I knowif that isn't right there,
uh, something really bad's goingto happen, so I...
Uh, one, two, three,one, two, three, one, two...
How long does Dick Clarkneed to be on TV?
Anybody, uh... is thereany time limit
that, uh, that's enoughfor Dick Clark?
You know, I remember sitting
in my grandfather's living room.
My grandfather-- who's beendead for 25 years--
I remember sittingin his living room
watching TV and him saying,
"That (bleep) damn Dick Clark'sbeen on TV for a hundred years."
But there he is. He needs it.
Did anybody here watch New Year's Rockin' Eve
out of a senseof morbid curiosity, as I did?
You're all terrible people,and so am I.
We needed to seehow he would do it
because we knew he had a stroke!
So we wanted to seewhat would he do.
And there was a big controversybecause they
had to airbrush him in a picturenext to Ryan Seacrest.
Everybody, "Oh, my God!That's not Dick Clark!
He's airbrushed in there!"
He had a stroke,and then his publicist
came out,he's gonna do some spin.
He said, "Don't worryabout Dick Clark.
He's spent the last yearretraining himself how to talk."
I think that's evidence
that you've punchedyour show-business ticket.
Train yourself how to talk.
And there he wasin the countdown,
and they threw it to him.
And I tell you what,I'm sorry I watched it
because New Year's Eveis that one little time
when you getto suspend disbelief
that next year's gonna be crap!
You forget about it!
You look at the person,"Happy New Year."
You kiss 'em,you have a moment of happiness.
I don't want to be remindedat that precise moment
of my own mortality!
They threw it over.You hear the countdown?
They went, "Here's Dick Clarkfor the final countdown."
(garbled):"Five, four, three...
Happy New Year, Ryan Seafish!"
Oh, my God, oh, my God,here comes my stroke.
I-I don't care.
Uh-uh-uh,give him a reality show.
Make it amusing.
That's why I watch TV,to be amused.
You give him a reality show
where you, you train a monkeyhow to do basic household tasks,
and then you train Dick Clarkhow to do the same ones
and they race to see whoaccomplishes it first.
You call it, Monkey See, Dick Do. Like that.