Nothing happens in a soccermatch. That's the problem.
It's too hard to score.
Nothing happens, dude.
Every ten minutesthere will almost be a goal.
Every ten minutes,like clockwork,
someone will almost score.
Nobody ever scores.
That's why soccer fansare so violent.
That's whythere's soccer hooligans.
(audience laughs)I figured it out. Right?
'Cause they never get a chanceto celebrate at the game,
so they're all pent upand frustrated
and then they leave the matchand punch each other in the face
'cause they just hadgoal blue balls
for two and a half hours.
Think of it like this:
Imagine there was a girl
and she had your (bleep)in her hand.
And every ten minutes,she just licked it one time.
You telling me aftertwo and a half hours of that
you're not gonna punchsomebody in the face? Somebody.
You are gonna lose your mind.
But when you criticize soccer,
like, Europeans getvery defensive.
You know?You ever notice that?
Like I was talkingto this Swedish guy
once about it and he was like,
(accent): "You don't have theright to criticize soccer,
"because you're American.
"And the reasonyou don't like it
"is 'cause your playersare not good at it.
"And (bleep), we shouldn'teven call it the World Cup.
"We should just call itthe Rest of the World Cup,
because United States is nevergood enough to be in it."
And I was like, "Really, Magnus?
"Is that the way you wantto play this right now?
"Do you know how lucky you are
"that American athletesdo not find soccer appealing?
"Do you know what would happen
"if black Americansstarted playing soccer?
"There would be no World Cup.
"There'd be a major leaguesoccer game
"that took place inCincinnati, Ohio, every year
and all of Europe would be ourpersonal developmental league."
Can you imagine RG3on a soccer field?
Can you imagine that game?
It would be, like,first game of the World Cup.
They're like, "Okay,it's Italy versus America.
"Here comes Italy.
"Here comes Fabrizio(bleep)-face for Italy.
"Fabrizio's got an open lane.
"He passes it to Guido.Back to Fabrizio.
"Fabrizio's about to score
"but, oh, my God, here comesLaDainian Tomlinson.
"He's running backwardsfor no reason,
"break dancing the whole time,
"juggling six soccer ballson each leg
"out of sheer boredom.
"He passes it to LeBron Jamesafter the steal.
"LeBron James, six foot eight,245 pounds,
"running like a deer,
"kicks a goal intoanother soccer stadium
"in another country
"to win 14 gamesat the same time.
Italy and France, Germany,negative seven."