Liza Treyger - Pregnant Women Are Disgusting

New York Comedy Festival Season 1, Ep 0101 01/11/2011 Views: 5,020

Liza Treyger will not buy a gift for your baby. (2:39)

-I wouldn't have kids.

I think it's gross.

I just think it's weirdthat you'd have to wake up

as a woman one dayand be like, [groans]

it's time to pushthings out of my puss.

It's weird.

And pregnant womenare disgusting.

I do not want to pat your belly.

Put on a shirt and sit down.

Your belly button isgrowing out of you

because it's disgusted by you.

Get away from me.

And no, I do not want tobuy your babies gifts.

I do not buy babies gifts,because I feel like buying

a gift for a baby is like buyingsomeone in a coma a new dress.

They don't know how to use it.

They're not goingto remember it.

And they're goingto shit all over it.

Don't do it.

I work with one ofmy best friends,

and he's back andgay, so he's mean.

And he told me that I don't buybabies gifts because I'm a Jew

and I'm cheap, which isn't nice.

I'm like, it's not true.

I hate that stereotype.

Jews aren't cheap.

I just feel likehistory has taught us

we need to save ourmoney for the next time

everyone wants to kill us.

I just want to afforda plane ticket.

That's it.

No trains, justget me on a plane.

If you hid me in acupboard, you'd get caught.

I talk all the time.

I love to chat.

I don't stop chatting.

It's silly.

It's so silly.

I actually went to aChristian college, though.

And it was really weird,because I'm Jewish,

and like, God's not real.

So it was just the silliest.

And people would alwaystry to argue with me,

and I'd be like, I have 100%proof that God does not exist.

If anyone wantsto argue with me,

I have 100% evidencethat God is not real.

I know God does not existbecause tiny dicks exist.

And that's it.

I don't know if youthought I'd say more.

If God is a dude, he is notinventing three inch cocks,

and you know it.

Your life sucks.

And yeah, maybe someonewill put it in their mouth,

but they're furious about it.

Furious.

And the worst thing aboutit is it's women's fault.

Ladies, there's thisthing called evolution,

so stop fucking tiny dicksand there won't be anymore.

Survival of the biggest.

Get with it.

And if your datewasn't laughing,

you should probablyget a new date.