Lynne Koplitz - Homeless

  • Season 9 , Ep 12
  • 04/28/2005
  • Views: 29,973

Jesus never lived in Manhattan. (1:52)

NO, I'M ORIGINALLY FROM

THE SOUTH, BUT I'VE LIVED IN

NEW YORK NOW FOR SEVEN YEARS.

AND I HAVE FOUND OUT, IT IS

HARDER AND HARDER TO ASK MYSELF,

"WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE JESUS

NEVER LIVED IN MANHATTAN.

THE HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE SO

MEAN TO ME, YOU GUYS.

SOME HOMELESS GUY LIKE A

MONTH AGO SCREAMED AT ME.

HE WAS LIKE "THOSE SHOES

DON'T MATCH THAT OUTFIT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE, "HOW WOULD JESUS

HANDLE THIS?

LOOK, YOU'RE CRANKY 'CAUSE

YOU'RE HUNGRY AND YOU DON'T HAVE

A HOUSE.

SO GO AHEAD AND TAKE A DOLLAR

AND BUY A BAGEL AND DON'T BE SO

JUDGMENTAL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THEN LIKE A FEW DAYS LATER,

HOMELESS GUY ASKED FOR A DOLLAR

AND I SAID, "NO," 'CAUSE I WAS

LIKE IN A HURRY OR SOMETHING AND

AS I'M WALKING AWAY, HE'S LIKE,

"YOU GOT A FAT ASS, BITCH!"

[LAUGHTER]

"REALLY?

I'M TAKING MY FAT ASS HOME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE'RE GONNA EAT WHEN I GET

THERE."

I KNOW IT'S NOT CHRISTIAN.

BUT HE ATTACKED MY WEIGHT,

AND I GO TO A DARK PLACE

WHEN PEOPLE ATTACK MY WEIGHT.

HE COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING

ELSE.

HE COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING

ABOUT MY MOTHER, 'CAUSE FRANKLY

SHE HAS IT COMING SOMETIMES.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT HE ATTACKED MY WEIGHT.

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.

I GOT CRAZY.

IF HE'D SAID SOMETHING ABOUT

MY MAMA, IT'D BEEN LIKE,

"POOR LITTLE HOMELESS MAN,

LIVING IN A BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

RAIN FALLING ON HIS SAD LITTLE

HOMELESS HEAD.

YOU TAKE A DOLLAR.

THAT'S FROM OUR LORD."

BUT HE SAID, "FAT."

SO [BLEEP] YOU!

YOU LIVE IN A BOX AND YOU'RE

WET.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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