NO, I'M ORIGINALLY FROM
THE SOUTH, BUT I'VE LIVED IN
NEW YORK NOW FOR SEVEN YEARS.
AND I HAVE FOUND OUT, IT IS
HARDER AND HARDER TO ASK MYSELF,
"WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE JESUS
NEVER LIVED IN MANHATTAN.
THE HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE SO
MEAN TO ME, YOU GUYS.
SOME HOMELESS GUY LIKE A
MONTH AGO SCREAMED AT ME.
HE WAS LIKE "THOSE SHOES
DON'T MATCH THAT OUTFIT!"
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I WAS LIKE, "HOW WOULD JESUS
HANDLE THIS?
LOOK, YOU'RE CRANKY 'CAUSE
YOU'RE HUNGRY AND YOU DON'T HAVE
A HOUSE.
SO GO AHEAD AND TAKE A DOLLAR
AND BUY A BAGEL AND DON'T BE SO
JUDGMENTAL."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BUT THEN LIKE A FEW DAYS LATER,
HOMELESS GUY ASKED FOR A DOLLAR
AND I SAID, "NO," 'CAUSE I WAS
LIKE IN A HURRY OR SOMETHING AND
AS I'M WALKING AWAY, HE'S LIKE,
"YOU GOT A FAT ASS, BITCH!"
[LAUGHTER]
"REALLY?
I'M TAKING MY FAT ASS HOME.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND WE'RE GONNA EAT WHEN I GET
THERE."
I KNOW IT'S NOT CHRISTIAN.
BUT HE ATTACKED MY WEIGHT,
AND I GO TO A DARK PLACE
WHEN PEOPLE ATTACK MY WEIGHT.
HE COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING
ELSE.
HE COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING
ABOUT MY MOTHER, 'CAUSE FRANKLY
SHE HAS IT COMING SOMETIMES.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT HE ATTACKED MY WEIGHT.
I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
I GOT CRAZY.
IF HE'D SAID SOMETHING ABOUT
MY MAMA, IT'D BEEN LIKE,
"POOR LITTLE HOMELESS MAN,
LIVING IN A BOX.
[LAUGHTER]
RAIN FALLING ON HIS SAD LITTLE
HOMELESS HEAD.
YOU TAKE A DOLLAR.
THAT'S FROM OUR LORD."
BUT HE SAID, "FAT."
SO [BLEEP] YOU!
YOU LIVE IN A BOX AND YOU'RE
WET.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]