I just saw a man with one armshopping in a second-hand store
I said, "I don't thinkyou're gonna find
"what you're looking for, dude.
"Seriously, you're inthe wrong store, okay?
Just take a hike, lefty."Cool.
I just saw the vampiremovie, Twilight.
Anyone see that? Yeah?
That is the worst vampire movieI have ever seen.
Footloose is a bettervampire movie than Twilight. (laughter)
And it's not evena vampire movie.
My friends were like,"You see Twilight?"
"Not as good as Footloose, man."
It's not as scaryas Footloose.
My real passion is writinghorror books for children
ages one through three.(laughter)
You're never too youngto go through life scared.
I just wrote a bookabout a snowman
who comes to lifeand rapes little kids.(laughter)
And then the cops show up,but the snowman's melted
so there's no evidence.
And it just keeps happeningover and over and over forever.
It's called No, Frosty, Don't. (laughter)
I wrote another bookabout relationships
called In Her Butt and Out of Her Mind.
You guys should definitelycheck that out, too. Cool?
Anyone have an iPhone here?Yeah?
I just got a text message fromsomeone who owns an iPhone.
And I know thatbecause it told me
at the end of the text message.
It said, "Sent from my iPhone."
So I sent them a message back.
I said, "This was texted to you
from a pay phoneusing my middle finger."
"Now take your iPhone, stick itup your (bleep), take a photo
and e-mail it to yourself."
Because you can do thatwith an iPhone.
That's one of the many features,dude,
one of the many featureson the iPhone.
I just beat Michael Phelpsin swimming.
By a lot.
And I was wearing jeans.(laughter)
He was in his little underpants.
I was wearing a hat and glassesand I smoked the dude.
I swim with a boner, so it'slike an extra paddle down there.
If I put it in propeller mode,forget about it.
If I start farting,
it's like a nuclear jet engine'sbeen installed.
There's just no stopping me.
Nice guy-- overrated swimmer.(laughter)
The best thing abouttaking a dump
on a miniature golf courseis...(laughter)
watching the people behind youtry to play around it.(laughter)
They think it's all partof the game, so...