Jake Johannsen - Love Advice

Anderson, Graham, Cross Season 2, Ep 0212 05/26/1993 Views: 1,289

Jake gives some love advice. (2:20)

Welcome to "Two-Drink Minimum."

I'm Jake.

You know, as you folks allknow for years now thousands

of people havebeen writing to me

for advice abouttheir love problems.

And so I brought oneof the letters with me

tonight, which I'd like to readand then answer on the show.

Um.

Dear-- dear Jake, I'vebeen seeing Charlie--

not his real name--for over a year,

and our relationshipis fantastic.

The problem is my parents.

My mother refusesto talk to him.

And my father won'teven allow his name

to be mentioned in the house.

Charlie is a wonderful,sweet, and caring man.

I love him very much.

And he loves me.

I plan to marrythis terrific man,

but I'm worried about how myrelationship with my family

will be affected.

Signed, Torn in Toronto.

I have my response herethat I've gone over.

Dear Torn, yours is a sadand all too common story.

First of all, if Charliewere such a great guy,

he'd tell you his real name.

Um, Torn, listen to yourparents and listen to me.

Charlie is probably a puke,a miserable worthless piece

of crap.

I hate him.

He makes me sick with thatphony look of persecution.

"I can't understand whyyour parents don't like me.

What did I do?"

Obviously, I can't say.

But you probably knowexactly what it is.

Which reminds me, howwell do I know you

Torn, if that is your real name?

Why should I takeyour word for it

that Charlie issuch a great guy?

I think you're lyingto me about Charlie

like you're lying to meabout your real names.

I was going to tellyou Charlie is a cancer

and must be cut out.

But the more I think aboutit, the more I hate you both.

God, I wish I couldget my hands on you.

I'd reach down yourvile, ugly throats

and pull out your filthy,rotten, stinking guts to punish

you for passing offyour counterfeit

emotions for realhonest feelings.

But that would betoo good for you.

You deserve to spendthe rest of your lives

in a miserable,loveless marriage

like your pathetic parents.

[applause]

Well, I, uh-- I, uh--I-- I--I hope that helps.

Um, now I'd like to bringout our first performer.