Welcome to "Two-Drink Minimum."
You know, as you folks allknow for years now thousands
of people havebeen writing to me
for advice abouttheir love problems.
And so I brought oneof the letters with me
tonight, which I'd like to readand then answer on the show.
Dear-- dear Jake, I'vebeen seeing Charlie--
not his real name--for over a year,
and our relationshipis fantastic.
The problem is my parents.
My mother refusesto talk to him.
And my father won'teven allow his name
to be mentioned in the house.
Charlie is a wonderful,sweet, and caring man.
I love him very much.
And he loves me.
I plan to marrythis terrific man,
but I'm worried about how myrelationship with my family
will be affected.
Signed, Torn in Toronto.
I have my response herethat I've gone over.
Dear Torn, yours is a sadand all too common story.
First of all, if Charliewere such a great guy,
he'd tell you his real name.
Um, Torn, listen to yourparents and listen to me.
Charlie is probably a puke,a miserable worthless piece
I hate him.
He makes me sick with thatphony look of persecution.
"I can't understand whyyour parents don't like me.
What did I do?"
Obviously, I can't say.
But you probably knowexactly what it is.
Which reminds me, howwell do I know you
Torn, if that is your real name?
Why should I takeyour word for it
that Charlie issuch a great guy?
I think you're lyingto me about Charlie
like you're lying to meabout your real names.
I was going to tellyou Charlie is a cancer
and must be cut out.
But the more I think aboutit, the more I hate you both.
God, I wish I couldget my hands on you.
I'd reach down yourvile, ugly throats
and pull out your filthy,rotten, stinking guts to punish
you for passing offyour counterfeit
emotions for realhonest feelings.
But that would betoo good for you.
You deserve to spendthe rest of your lives
in a miserable,loveless marriage
like your pathetic parents.
Well, I, uh-- I, uh--I-- I--I hope that helps.
Um, now I'd like to bringout our first performer.