Kyle Kinane - Canada

  • Season 2 , Ep 1
  • 03/25/2011
  • Views: 13,436

Winnipeg's tourism selling point is that they are the geographic center of North America. That's it. (3:10)

Watch Full Episode

THERE'S STILL SACRIFICESBEING MADE.

EVEN THOUGH I GET TO DOWHAT LOVE,

THERE'S STILL SACRIFICES.

LIKE, I HAVE TO GO--AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO GO

TO PLACESLIKE WINNIPEG, CANADA,

FOR TWO WEEKS AT A TIME.

(audience member cheers)YEAH.

BOY, CHEERING?NOT AT ALL.

WINNIPEG, CANADA'S,GREATEST TOURISM SELLING POINT

IS THAT THEY ARE THE GEOGRAPHICCENTER OF NORTH AMERICA.

THAT'S IT.

STOP ON BY.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLEOF EVERYTHING ELSE.

WE'RE OF EQUAL DISTANCE AWAYFROM ANYTHING ELSE

YOU'D RATHER BE DOING WHENYOU'RE IN WINNIPEG, CANADA.

(laughter)

THE HOTTEST NIGHT,THE SEXIEST NIGHT

I HAD IN WINNIPEG,I'LL TELL YOU, IT WAS A MONDAY

AND I GOT STONEDON MARIJUANA EVEN.

YEAH.

I GOT STONED.THEN I ORDERED A PIZZA.

THEN I FORGOTI ORDERED THE PIZZA.

THEN I GOT EMOTIONALLYINVOLVED WITH a TV SHOW

ON COUNTRY MUSIC TELEVISIONCANADA

CALLED "PICK A PUPPY,"

(laughter)WHICH IF YOU CANNOT DEDUCE

FROM THE TITLEOF THIS PROGRAM,

THE PREMISE IS THAT THEY WILLTAKE A PERSON OR PERSONS,

AND THEN THEY WILL PRESENT THEMWITH A SELECTION OF PUPPIES

AS IF EVERY OTHER PROBLEMIN THE WORLD HAS BEEN SOLVED.

THIS IS WHAT DRAMA ISIN CANADA.

(laughter)

SO BY MINUTE NINE OF THE SHOW,I'M STANDING ON THE COUCH

JUST YELLING,"GET THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER,

"IT'S A LOYAL CREATURE!IT'S GONNA LOVE YOU FOREVER!

DALMATIAN?!GET OFF MY TV, YOU DUMB WHORE!"

AT WHICH POINTTHE DOORBELL RINGS,

AND I IMMEDIATELY THINKIT'S THE POLICE

BECAUSE NOBODY IN THE HISTORYOF WINNIPEG HAS EVER EXPRESSED

THAT SORT OF EMOTION PASTTHE HOUR OF 8:30 P.M.

(laughter)

I OPEN THE DOOR.

I'M TOO HIGHTO MAKE EYE CONTACT.

I'M PRESENTEDWITH WHAT I THINK IS A GIANT.

THEY'RE PROBABLYONLY 3 INCHES TALLER THAN ME.

I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S A PIZZA MANOR PIZZA WOMAN.

I JUST LOOK AT THE PIZZA.

THEY'RE LIKE,"HOW'S YOUR NIGHT?"

I'M LIKE, "OH, WE'RE TRYINGTO PICK OUT PUPPIES,"

WHICH YOU CAN'T SAYOUT OF CONTEXT.

THAT SOUNDS REAL STRANGE.

(laughter)

HE GIVES ME THE TOTAL.

I GET THE MONEYOUT OF MY POCKET.

I FORGETI HAVE CANADIAN MONEY.

I LOOKED AT IT,AND I REMEMBER IT'S ALL

LIGHT BLUE AND PINKWITH A QUEEN ON IT

AND I JUST LAUGH, AND I SAY,"YOU HAVE LADY MONEY."

(laughter)

I THEN PROCEED TO TAKETHE LADY MONEY

AND WHAT I THOUGHTWAS A KIND GESTURE

OFFER IT UP TO THE GIANTOR GIANTESS.

SO I'M TAKING MONEYI'M LAUGHING AT

AND DANGLING IT OVERTHE HEAD OF THE PERSON

WHO HAS TO DELIVER ME A PIZZALIKE THE BIGGEST (bleep)

IN THE GEOGRAPHIC CENTEROF NORTH AMERICA.

THAT'S ME, KYLE KINANE.

THANKS, EVERYBODY.HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

Loading...