Ladies, it's not that we don'twant to talk to you.
We don't want to talk to anyone.
We don't want to talkto our guy friends.
Not about anything realor emotional.
What do you thinksports are for?
They're completely meaningless.
Football sounds like
it's inventedby an eight-year-old girl.
"Like, all right,here's the deal.
"There's a ball,and you get four tries
"to take the ball ten yards.
"In between each try,we're gonna have a huddle,
and we're gonna tell secretsabout the other team."
"By the way, we're all wearingcapri pants."
"At half-time, the Black EyedPeas are gonna play."
I don't know what women wantto talk to us about.
We're jerks.Guys are jerks.
You want to knowwhat guys are really like?
Look what we're doingwhen there's no women around,
when it's all guys.
It's just a lotof slapping each other
and insultingeach other's appearance
and trying to injureone another's testicles.
(laughter)Women are nice.
Look at men's surprises.Look at women's surprises.
Women's surprises are nice.
Women's surprises are, like,"Today was Jill's birthday,
"and we all pretendedlike we forgot,
"and then at 4:30,we ordered cupcakes,
and she was so surprised."
And a guy's surprise.
It's, like,"Joe wasn't paying attention
so we lit his back on fire."
(laughter and applause)
"And then we foundit was his birthday.
"We set his car on fire, too.
He was really surprised."