Lewis Black - Health Care & Abortion

Lewis Black: In God We Rust Season 1, Ep 101 09/07/2012 Views: 27,201

Lewis Black guarantees that some arguments will continue until you f**king die. (5:13)

ONE OF THE REASONS

THAT I FEEL THAT WE--

THAT WE AGE IN THIS COUNTRY--

IS BECAUSE

FROM THE TIME YOU'RE BORN

UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE,

YOU LISTEN TO THE SAME ARGUMENTS

OVER AND OVER

AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

THEY NEVER END.

THEY DON'T.

MAJOR ISSUES, WE BANG 'EM

BACK-AND-FORTH ALL THE TIME.

WE'RE A DEMOCRACY,

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

THAT'S ONE OF THE PRICES WE PAY

FOR HAVING A DEMOCRACY,

IS TO DISCUSS THINGS

UNTIL OUR EARS BLEED.

[laughter]

WE DON'T DECIDE MUCH, DO WE?

WE REALLY SEEM TO BE

JUST HAPPY ARGUING,

THE ARGUMENT THAT YOU'RE GOING

TO LISTEN TO YOUR ENTIRE LIFE--

AND I GUARANTEE IT--IS

THE ARGUMENT OVER GAY MARRIAGE.

THERE ARE STATES

THAT ALREADY PASSED THE LAW

AND THEN WENT,

"OH, WE MADE A MISTAKE,"

AND CHANGED IT AGAIN,

AND THAT WILL CONTINUE

UNTIL THE DAY YOU [bleep] DIE,

ONE OF THE MAJOR ARGUMENTS

IN MY LIFETIME

WAS THE--IS THE ARGUMENT

THAT WE HAVE OVER HEALTH

AND HOW WE

TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES.

IT'S GONE ON AND ON AND ON.

THE REASON WE'RE AT

WHERE WE'RE AT

IS BECAUSE,

WAY BEFORE I WAS BORN,

THE DECISION WAS MADE

THAT BECAUSE WE'RE

A CAPITALIST COUNTRY,

THAT, UM, HEALTH

SHOULD BE SEEN

AS A PROFIT-MAKING INSTITUTION.

THAT'S THE WAY PEOPLE SAW IT.

THAT'S WHY IT'S SO ODD

THAT WE'RE ACTUALLY

HAVING AN ARGUMENT

OVER SOMETHING THAT WAS DECIDED

LONG, LONG AGO,

AND THERE'S STILL PEOPLE

WHO DEFEND THAT.

NOW, I'M NOT SURE

THAT HEALTH IS...

UH, A PROFIT INSTITUTION.

IT--I'M NOT SURE.

[cheers and applause]

BECAUSE--BECAUSE,

IT'S WHAT STANDS BETWEEN YOU

AND [bleep] DROPPING DEAD!

IT'S NOT SOYBEANS, IS IT?

IT'S NOT [bleep], UH, UH,

[bleep] BOTTLED WATER.

IT'S NOT GODDAMN

CELL PHONE COVERAGE,

TIME WARNER [bleep] --

IT'S NONE OF THAT.

IT'S YOUR HEALTH,

AND I KNOW IT'S NOT A COMMODITY

BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER STOPPED

AT A RED LIGHT

AND HAD A CRACK ADDICT

COME UP TO YOU AND GO,

"HEY, UH, CAN I SELL YOU

SOME OF MY HEALTH?"

IN THE CENTER OF THE DEBATE

OVER HEALTH CARE

WAS ONE OF THE--

IS THE MAJOR ARGUMENT

OF MY LIFETIME.

IT'S THE MOST

INFLAMMATORY ARGUMENT

THAT WE GO THROUGH AS A PEOPLE,

AND THAT IS THE ONE ARGUMENT

THAT WE HAVE OVER ABORTION.

LET ME JUST SAY,

AS A COMIC,

NOTHING--NOTHING AT ALL

GIVES ME AS MUCH PLEASURE

AS TO SAY TO A GROUP OF PEOPLE

WHO'VE COME TO BE ENTERTAINED,

"ABORTION."

I TAKE GREAT JOY IN IT

BECAUSE I SAY THE WORD,

AND THEN I HEAR EVERY ANUS

IN THE ROOM SNAP SHUT.

WHAT A JOY.

IT JUST SHUTS YOU [bleep] UP.

THEN OF COURSE THERE ARE THOSE

WHO DON'T KNOW MY COMEDY

AND ARE GOING,

"BOY, THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME

FOR HIM

TO BRING THAT KAZOO OUT."

AND AS ALWAYS, THERE ARE PEOPLE

IN THE ROOM WHO GO,

"YOU KNOW, HE JUST SAYS

THE WORD [bleep] TOO MUCH."

WELL, AFTER I SAID THE WORD,

YOU KNOW, "ABORTION,"

[bleep] SEEMS LIKE A FESTIVAL,

DOESN'T IT?

[laughter]

WHEN I WAS YOUNG...

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, UM,

YOU WOULD--YOU COULD BE

PRO-ABORTION OR ANTI-ABORTION,

AND NOW, 62 YEARS LATER,

YOU CAN BE PRO-CHOICE

OR YOU CAN BE PRO-LIFE,

AND THAT IS WHAT

WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED

DURING MY LIFETIME.

WE'VE MADE NO DECISION

AS TO WHEN LIFE BEGINS--NONE.

EVERY OTHER CIVILIZED COUNTRY

ON THE PLANET'S DONE IT.

BUT IT'S, YOU KNOW,

IT'S HARD FOR US.

WE CAN'T GET THE NAMES

OF ALL THE TERRORISTS

TO ALL THE AIRPORTS,

SO THIS ONE--WHOO--

IS A REAL BRAINTEASER.

AND SINCE WE DON'T KNOW

AND HAVEN'T DECIDED

WHEN LIFE BEGINS,

THEN, TO BE HONEST,

I DON'T KNOW

IF I'M REALLY HERE.

BUT I DO KNOW I'VE NEVER

FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE!

[cheers and applause]