Roast Battle II - Kurt Metzger vs. Yamaneika Saunders

Roast Battle II: Night One - Uncensored Season 2, Ep 5 01/26/2017 Views: 5,840

When Kurt Metzger takes on his good friend Yamaneika Saunders, he comes up with a theme for her colorful outfit, and she compares him to an Angry Bird. (7:42)

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[bell dinging]

- Well, I actually came heron the same flight as Yamaneika,

and it was a little bit scary

because there wasa ton of turbulence.

Uh--well, Turbulenceis Yamie's sister's name.

[laughter]

- Okay, thank you.

Thank you.Whoo.

Um, first of all,I'm glad that Kurt's here

'cause I didn't know this roastwas gonna be open casket.

audience: Oh![cheers, laughter, and applause]

- Wow.

- Kurt likes to brag thathe used to be a Jehovah Witness,

which makes sense

because every time he goesto a glory hole,

nobody answers.

[laughter and applause]

- Wow.

Yamie, you really put the FUin FUPA.

I gotta say.[laughter]

Uh--no, listen, Yamie wa--no, hold on.

- I got spanks on,mother[bleep].

There's no FUPA.- I--

I am not Bernie Sanders.You can't interrupt me.

audience: Oh!

- But you dress shitty like him,mother[bleep].

[cheers]

- By the way,how do you like Yamie's look?

She calls itBroke Black Mountain.

[laughter]

- Well, I do like to [bleep] menin the woods.

Now...

- [chuckles]

- All right, in all seriousness,

Kurt was in a major car accidentlast week.

He called me complainingthat they took

every victim to the hospitalexcept for him,

but can you imagine seeing himfly through a car window

with them shitty-ass eyebrows?

They probably thought he wasa Angry Bird.

[laughter and applause]

[ambulance siren wailing]

[chainsaw buzzing]

- Uh, why?

Hold on.

That's right.I was in a car accident,

and that's why I was very afraid

to go head-to-headwith Yamaneika.

Because we're--- [yells]

- [chuckles]We all saw what she did

to Tracy Morgan's tour bus.

audience: Oh!

- Yeah, well, mother[bleep]...- Oh, Turbulence.

If I was a truckthat would have hit you,

I would have made surelike your comedy career,

you died.Now...

- You know, when I was backstagewatching Yamie's stylist

lower the wig onto her headlike Darth Vader--

[laughter]I'm not finished.

Please.I thought to myself--

- And look what he look liketalking about me.

Go ahead, mother[bleep],come on.

- I thought to myselfis it Saunders or Sanders?

Either way,I know two things.

One, the Colonel took a lover.

Two, much like KFC,

Yamaneika's box is too big

for the bonesthat are put into it.

[laughter]

- Last one, Yamaneika,last one.

Last joke.

- Oh, is that chicken?Thank you, mother[bleep].

Shit.

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah, that's how it is

in Trump's America,

- Shut up, [bleep].

Now, you got the dirtto talk about me,

you look like the third [bleep]on the evolutionary chart.

Now.- Uh, Yamaneika's ca--

- No, mother[bleep],it's my turn God damn it.

- Is it?- This is the last joke, please.

- I'm pretty sure it wasn't.- Okay.

Kurt likes to brag that he'sin an open relationship,

and by that, he meansall the cases against him

haven't been closed yet.

- Well--

[alarms blaring, car honking]

[bell dinging] - Y'all--[yelling]

- No, no, no, no, no.That's it.

- Why are you all cheering?It was my turn.

- This chickenis good as shit.

- All right.- Yeah, thank you, babe.

I'll put some in my bra.- Judges.

- Wow.- What do we think

of this battle?- Wow.

[cheers and applause]

- That's right.- Oh, my God.

Man, you know what?

- That's good chicken.- Hold on a minute.

Y'all need--- She's right.

- Whoa, y'all--whoawhoa, whoa.

Yamie has changed

ever since she at that gumfrom the Wonka factory.

- Boo, [bleep].

- All right, well.

- Oh, shit.

I will say--I will say this.

That is some good-ass chicken.You're right about that.

That's some hot-ass chicken.

Jeff, what did you thinkabout this battle

between white Preciousand Precious?

- All right, I just want to saythat that was the best battle

of the night.

[cheers and applause]

- That's right.

- Wow.- You know, Kurt and I

are really good friends,so this was great for us.

- That's right.- I did see you guys talking

and you were even rubbingKurt's shoulders backstage

before the show.

- Well, her healing touchresurrected a mouse

on the green mile.

[laughter]

- There's something beautifulabout this battle.

There's so much lovein between all this venom.

I really, really enjoyedwatching this battle.

Who wants to weigh in first?

- I'm gonna weigh insince there's a lot

of weight on stage.

I felt like it was a fun battle.It was--you know,

I was up herelaughing my ass off.

I was really enjoying myself.- Good job.

- And I was actually--I was surprisingly shocked

that, uh, Kurt, you was funny asa mother[bleep], man.

- Oh, thank you.Thank you, Mr. Snoop.

- Snoop Dogg,that's my name.

But on the real, though,I thought--

I thought you was good, Kurt.I thought you seized the moment.

I thought you took advantageof the moment

and you did your thing.- Thank you.

- That's one for Kurt.

- First, I just want to sayI think The Wave

should change your nameto The Tsunami

'cause every time--'cause everytime you guys pop up,

it's a [bleep] tragedy.

[laughter]

all: Whoa!

- Exactly.Exactly.

- That's what I thought, bro.

- Secondly--secondly,I agree with Jeff.

I agree, battle of the night.

I'm gonna make a rulingright now.

Kurt, you're a [bleep] beast.

When I saw the lineupfor this whole roast battle,

I thought you were the oneto beat.

And when I saw you going upagainst him, Yamaneika,

I was like, "She better[bleep] be on top of her game

and bring itand destroy to win."

And you did.You did.

- Thank you, thank you.

- And I'm not gonna lie.I'm not gonna lie.

The thing that sealed the deal--the thing that sealed the deal,

picking the chickenup off the floor and eating it,

that is some punk rock shit.

You win.You win.

- Thank you.

- That was amazing.Snoop, before I make

this final call, do you haveany advice for these two?

- Yes, um...- What?

- My advice to you two would be

continue to do what you do

because you're goodat what you do.

- Thank you, Snoop,thank you.

- Yeah.- The Doggfather right there.

That's that Doggfatherlyadvice.

- Kurt Metzger,you have some of the best

written material in comedy.

You're a [bleep] amazingwriter

and the fact that you would comeand do this roast battle

really means a lot.You worked so hard on it.

Yamaneika, the open casket joke,the angry bird joke,

this was the best battle I'veever seen you do, Yamaneika,

so you got this.- Thank you.

- Congratulations, Yamaneika.- Oh, my God. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

- Yo, everybody,make it loud

for Santa Clause's sidechick,Yamaneika Saunders.

- Yes, sir.