Phil Hanley - Last Relationship

New York Comedy Festival Season 1, Ep 1 01/11/2011 Views: 4,025

Phil Hanley thinks that people glorify being single. (2:35)

I've been told that whenyou meet that right person,

you know immediately.

How come when youmeet the wrong person

it takes a year and a half?

My ex-girlfriend,she was a twin.

And when I would tell peoplethat, like guys, they'd

be like, twins, man, yougotta have a threesome.

They would say that,and I'm no prude,

but that's mygirlfriend's brother.

I find people glorify beingsingle because they say

that you can sleepwith anyone you want.

But you can actuallyonly sleep with anyone

who wants to sleep with you.

It's a very different number.

Sometimes I'll be ona date with a girl

and she will ask me aboutmy last relationship.

And she'll want to knowlike who broke up with who.

And I'll say, well, ifi broke up with her,

I wouldn't be crying,and we wouldn't

be parked in front of her house.

We're someday going to beparked in front of her house.

I don't kiss on thefirst date, like ever.

Because I think women shouldbe happy with just sex.

Sometimes I'll be with agirl, and she will tell me

that I don't haveto wear a condom

and that's the best-- wayto get me to wear a condom.

I was with, I waswith a girl recently

and she said thatafter we had sex,

she was going to putmakeup on so that she

looked beautiful in the morning.

And I said, oh,that's so unnecessary.

I'll be long gone by then.

Spoiler alert.

My friend asked me ifI would be comfortable

marrying a woman thatmakes more money than me.

And I wouldn't becomfortable otherwise.

He said, so she'llwear the pants.

And I said, yeah.

And I'll wear the capris.