Cat vs. Leg - Uncensored

Season 2 , Ep 1 10/05/11 Views: 43,348

Nick recounts a harrowing tale of cat-on-human violence. (3:09)

I WAS A CAT PERSON MY WHOLE LIFE.

- NOW I HATE THEM.- Man: YEAH!

SO THIS HAPPENED TO MEWITH MY MOM'S CAT.

SHE GOT A BRAND-NEW CAT.

AND SHE'S LIKE,"WARM UP TO HIM.

YOU JUST GOTTAGET TO KNOW HIM."

SO I WAS LIKE ALL RIGHT.SO I GO TO MY MOM'S HOUSE

AND SHE GOES TO BED--IT'S LIKE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

SO I'M-- I'M GONNA SPENDSOME TIME WITH THIS CAT.

I'LL SHOW YOUA PICTURE OF HIM.

THIS IS HER CAT.HIS NAME IS NICKEL.

- Woman: AWW.- YEAH, DON'T -- SAY "AW."

OKAY?JUST WAIT.

I KNOW HE LOOKS GREATRIGHT NOW.

HE LOOKS SO NICE.

SO IT'S 2:00IN THE MORNING.

I'M LYING ON THE CARPETOF MY MOM'S APARTMENTON THE FLOOR.

AND THE CAT'S NEXT TO MELYING DOWN PARALLEL.

I'M HAVINGA NICE MOMENT.

I'M PETTING THIS THING.AND OUT OF NOWHERE

THE CAT JUST GOES BAT--.

AND HE DOESTHAT WEIRD CAT THING

WHERE HE DOESTHAT GROWL--

WHERE IT'S LIKE...( throaty growl )

AND I'M LIKE,"WHAT THE --?"

THEN HE DOES THE CLASSIC--( hisses )

THAT HISS AND THAT'S LIKE,"SOMETHING'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN."

SO HE ATTACKS ME...( mimics cat screech )

...FULL-ON.I'M IN BOXERSHORTSAND LIKE A T-SHIRT

AND HE JUST GOES AFTER MEAND STARTS CLAWING MY LEGS.

JUST...( screeches )

I'M FREAKING OUT.KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M TRYING TO GETTHIS CAT OFF ME.

I RUN INTO THE BATHROOM.

I'M A GROWN MAN,I'M HOLDING THE DOOR.

"OH MY GOD.WHAT DO I DO?"

THE CAT-- THIS ISHOW PSYCHO THEY ARE

AND THEY'RE SMART--IT'S A ONE-FLOOR APARTMENTAT MY MOM'S PLACE.

HE GOES AROUNDTHROUGH THE OTHER SIDEOF THE LIVING ROOM,

THEN THROUGH MY BEDROOMTO THE OTHER DOOR

OF THE BATHROOMBEHIND ME.

I SWEAR TO GOD,I'M SITTING THERE AND I JUST HEAR...

( throaty growl )

I WAS LIKE,"NO-O-O-O."

THE CAT'S LIKE...( screeches )

ROUND 2OF CAT VERSUS LEG.

MAULED!

AWFUL. I LOCK HIMIN THE BATHROOM,

SHUT HIM IN,GO TO SLEEP.

LIKE, "OH MY GOD,THAT WAS CRAZY."

SO I GO AND I WAKE UPIN THE MORNING

AND I WALK OUTINTO THE LIVING ROOM.

MY MOM'S IN THE KITCHENMAKING BREAKFAST.

AND THE CAT'SON THE COUCH,

SITTING THERE SO COCKYLIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

HE'S LIKE,"HEY MAN, GOOD MORNING."

I WAS, LIKE, SO READYTO JUST NARC THE CAT OUT.

I WAS SO PSYCHED.I MEAN I HAVE ALL THESE SCARS.

AND I GO, "MOM!"

SHE'S LIKE,"WHAT? OH MY GOD.

WHAT HAPPENEDTO YOUR LEGS?"

AND I GO,"WHAT HAPPENED?YOUR -- CAT.

THAT CAT ATTACKED ME,MAULED ME LAST NIGHT."

I SWEAR TO GOD, MY MOTHER--MY OWN MOTHER,

KNOWN HER MY WHOLE LIFE--

SHE GOES LIKE THIS,SHE GOES,

"NO, YOU DID THAT,"

GOES BACKTO MAKING BREAKFAST.

I DID THAT?!WHAT THE --?!

LIKE, WHAT?IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

I JUST TOOK A FORK,LIKE "I'M GONNA FRAMETHIS -- CAT."

( screams )

JUST -- RAKEDMY OWN LEGS?

-- CAT.

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