Uncensored - Katt Williams - White Friends

Season 1 , Ep 0101 Views: 94,529

I don't care what anybody says -- white people are friendly. (2:40)

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

I ADVISE YOU TO DO THE SAME.

DO SHIT THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY.

GO OUT AND GET YOUSOME WHITE FRIENDS.

GET YOU SOMEWHITE MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDS.

YOU AIN'T GOT TOSLEEP WITH THEM,

BUT YOU GONNA NEED THEMMOTHERFUCKERS.

IF YOU GO TO JAILAND CALL YOUR NIGGA FRIENDS,

THESE MOTHERFUCKERSWILL INTERROGATE YOU

MORE THANTHE GODDAMN POLICE DID.

THEY'LL HAVEYOUR ASS ON THE PHONE:

"WHERE THE FUCK WAS YOU AT?

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOU DOING?

WHY THE FUCKYOU AIN'T CALL ME?"

NOT YOUR WHITE FRIENDS.

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS WILL BE THERE

BY THE TIMEYOU HANG UP THE PHONE.

AND THEY'LL BEMADDER THAN YOU, JUST--

"WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO?

"MURDER! MURDERED WHO?

"LOOK, I'VE FUCKING KNOWN HIMFOR TWO WEEKS.

HE WOULDN'T FUCKINGDO SOMETHING LIKE THAT."

GOT TO LOVE WHITE PEOPLE.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCKWHAT YOU SAY,

WHITE PEOPLE ARE FRIENDLY.

YOU CAN CALLTHEM MOTHERFUCKERS UP

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING

WITH THE WRONG NUMBER, ANDTHEY WON'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU.

THEY: [imitates ringing phone]

HELLO.

NO, I'M SORRY, NO SHAQUITA HERE.

WELL, WHAT NUMBER DID YOU DIAL?

NO, IT'S A NINE, NOT A SEVEN.

WELL, TRY IT.

IF IT DOESN'T WORK,CALL ME BACK.

WE'LL FIGURE THIS THING OUT.

GOT TO LOVE WHITE PEOPLE.

IT'S THANKS TO WHITE PEOPLE

WE KNOW ANYTHINGABOUT WILD ANIMALS.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT?

NIGGAS HAVE NEVERIN THE HISTORY OF NIGGADOM

DISCOVERED A WILD ANIMAL.

NOT ONE.

NOT A WILD PIT BULL, NOTHING,

'CAUSE WE TOO CAUTIOUS.

NIGGAS DON'T DISCOVER SHIT.

WE DON'T GET CLOSE ENOUGHTO DISCOVER.

NIGGAS TAKE NO CHANCES.

JUST, "WAIT, NIGGA,IS THAT A ROTTWEILER OR A BEAR?

NIGGA, GO, GO, NO, GO,FUCK THAT, GO, GO."

WHITE PEOPLE, THOUGH--LET ME SAY THIS.

Y'ALL NEED SOME NIGGA FRIENDS.

GET YOU SOME NIGGA FRIENDS.

JUST DON'T EVER, EVER CALL THEMYOUR NIGGA FRIENDS.

DON'T EVER--

THAT'LL FUCKTHE RELATIONSHIP UP.

"THERE'S MY NIGGER FRIEND.

"YOU GUYS SAY IT ALL THE TIME.

WHAT?"

WHITE PEOPLE,YOU NEED YOUR NIGGA FRIENDS

SO THEY CAN TELL YOUWHEN SHIT IS NOT APPROPRIATE.

FIRST OF ALL, WHITE PEOPLE,

PLEASE STOP PUTTING THEM LITTLEBLUE LEASHES ON YOUR CHILDREN.

PLEASE?

STOP DOING THAT.

THAT IS ONLYENTERTAINMENT FOR NIGGAS.

THAT'S ALL THAT IS.

WE BE EXCITED AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

"LOOK AT THEM. LOOK."

[laughs]

THAT'S WHY WHITE KIDS GROW UP

AND KILL EVERYBODYIN THE GODDAMN SCHOOL,

'CAUSE YOU DONE TREATED THEMLIKE A GERMAN SHEPHERD

EVER SINCE THEY WAS THREE.

THEY BE IN THE STORE LIKE,"OOH, I WANT ONE!"

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