Jake Johannsen - Dog Brains

  • Season 7 , Ep 9
  • 04/03/2003
  • Views: 2,614

Dogs have the perfect sized brain. (2:35)

GONNA UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER

ANYWAY.

WE GOTTA QUIT TRYING

TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

I THINK THAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM.

WE GOTTA QUIT TRYING

TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY DOGS DON'T GET

DEPRESSED.

THEY'RE NOT TRYING TO FIGURE

EVERYTHING OUT ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

DOGS HAVE THE RIGHT SIZED BRAIN

FOR THE JOB THAT THEY'RE ASKING

IT TO DO, YOU KNOW?

IF THEY WERE ANY SMARTER,

THEY MIGHT BE SAD.

OUR BRAINS ARE TOO BIG,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GO BY A

COMPUTER, AND THE GUY ASKS YOU,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA USE IT FOR?"

AND YOU NEVER JUST SAY, "PORN."

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, WE WOULD BE HAPPY.

YOU KNOW THAT THAT'S WHAT

THE DOG SAID.

YOU KNOW, "WHAT DO YOU USE

THE BRAIN FOR, BOY?"

"DAA, CHASE THE CAT,

TAKE A NAP."

HERE YOU GO.

"THANK YOU, BYE-BYE.

WILL I BE ABLE TO FIND

THE BALL?"

"YEAH, WELL, MOST OF THE TIME."

AND THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T GET

UPSET, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE NOT TRYING TO GET THEIR

PENISES ENLARGED.

DOGS.

THEY'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT.

THEY ROLL WITH IT.

YOU EVER SEEN A THREE-LEGGED

DOG?

IT DOESN'T EVEN PHASE THE DOG.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IF I LOST MY LEG, THAT WOULD BE

IT.

EVERY TIME YOU BOUGHT ME

A DRINK, YOU'D HAVE TO HEAR THAT

(BLEEP) LEG STORY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THREE-LEGGED DOGS, IT'S LIKE,

"WELL, GUESS I GOT THREE NOW."

YOU KNOW, YEAH.

IT DOESN'T EVEN PHASE THEM.

AND THAT'S THE THING.

THEY DON'T GET DEPRESSED.

THEY GET CONFUSED.

THAT'S THE HAZARD OF HAVING

THE SMALLER BRAIN.

YOU GET A LITTLE CONFUSED.

MY NEIGHBOR HAD HER DOG--

SHE BROUGHT HER DO BACK HOME THE

OTHER DAY WITH THAT PLASTIC CONE

ON HIS HEAD FROM THE VET.

YOU EVER SEE THE DOG?

YOU'VE SEEN THEM OUT THERE WHERE

THEY WALK AND THEY ALWAYS LOOK

AT YOU LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED?"

YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE LIKE, WELL, YOU WERE

THE ONE WHO WOULDN'T LEAVE HIS

ASS ALONE.

(LAUGHTER)

I TRIED TO WARN YOU.

TRIED PUTTING THAT BAD TASTING

SALVE ON THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

THE VET ALWAYS GIVES YOU THAT

SALVE, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALK--

I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT'S FOR

THE DOG.

I THINK THAT IS A PRACTICAL JOKE

THAT THE VET IS HAVING WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW, HERE, RUB THIS ON HIS

ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

"TWICE A DAY."

OH--

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW IT'S GOTTA BE A RACKET,

ONCE THE VET TELLS YOU HOW IT'S

SUPPOSED TO WORK, THAT SALVE.

YOU KNOW, WHAT I'M--

THE VET, HE'LL TELL YOU YOU'RE

SUPPOSED TO PUT IT ON THE DOG'S

STITCHES OR HIS BUTT.

THE VET, YEAH, THE VET SAYS

THE DOG WILL NOT LICK THE SALVE

BECAUSE THE SALVE TASTES BAD

TO THE DOG.

HELLO.

HE'S ALREADY LICKING HIS ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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